The new guy...

Well my life just got a bit more interesting tonight.  My friend introduced me to this guy and we've been talking through text messaging, we decided to go ahead and hang tonight.  He's a skinny tooth pick of a guy who is in need of fatting up, that can be arranged, he's a blunt smoker which is cool I don't really care.  Just got out of a relationship, no I wont be a rebounder, and he's cool people.

We watched 2 movies together, bullshitted and had hot cocoa.  He's a tell it how it is type of guy and I'm the same way for the most part.  He's a cool guy so far and i really like him.  Yes this is a short post, but in hindsight it is way past my bedtime and I'm in desperate need of sleep.  Just wanted to keep everyone posted on my latest romantic endeavors. =D  Happy night y'all.

Military Kid, Mind Fucker, Psycho guy and games

You remember that kid way back a few posts who I suspected of cheating on me.  Well guess what I had dated him a second time although this time was influenced by lots and lots of alcohol.  So here's how this story goes:

I had a friend, we had known each other back in middle school our friendship had ended because of our different belief systems.  Me fearing for her immortal soul tries to convert her over to christianity, I had been going to a church that did a lot of brain washing and at a young age I was ready to believe anything, some call this being gullible.  She being so mad at me we quit talking and she left our school, well she came back to my high school and we appologized for being dumb and what ever else, lost contact again, then ran into each other at the mall (I curse that damn day) we had been hanging out ever since.

After military kid and I broke it off, we quit talking, one day I get a message from him and we start to chat again, hanging out, nothing sexual just old friends (I can't believe I considered him a friend... eww gross...
puke-a-thon).

Well this girl, lets nickname her shall we...hmm how about mf (for mind fucker).  Mf and I were hanging out one evening and had decided to get some friends together for a game night and a drinking fest.  We did a lot of drinking together and even though she was the more experienced drinker, I could still drink her under the table.  She had a son and she was an irresponsible parents there was a lot of should haves in our friendship.  We'd find diapers all over her house and she would say 'oh another drinking diaper (meaning she changed her son while she was drunk and just left diapers everywhere man if I start up another blog about shit i've done or been through or whatev she would take the fucking cake)she was a disgusting pig....ew gross.  She would get all up on me, trying to get me to sleep with her, other than the fact she was ugly, she was disgusting and a whore (still gives me shivers).  Anyways, I decided to call over the military kid to come play games, the night went on with Mf and I trying to out drink each other.  I was telling her all about him and about how good his sex was (after the kid she hooked me up with {your going to love that post} his sex was nothing, just a passing breeze).  She tells me about how her and her soon to be husband's relationship was open, but she would get pissed when he cheated on her, although I could hardly blame him she cheated on him all the time, and how he wasn't really good at sex and all that she needed was a good fuck.  I told her, he's off limits.  We ended up starting to date that night, military kid and I.  It lasted for about 3 days, me being so disgusted that he asked me out while I was drunk and the fact we had sex...ewww.  I call him up and tell him I can't date him right now, I just got out of a relationship (which is true, the post: beauty and the prick) and that I needed time.  Mf was with me, we were still friends to this point in time.

Several days later about 3 o'clock in the morning Mf texts me saying she wants me to meet someone.  She gives me this bs story about how he was in the Air force, sweet guy and all that crap.  I go to meet this guy, he was very ugly at first and my insanity sensors went off the chart, like it did when I hung out with Mf.  There was something wrong with this guy and I wanted to know what it was.  So being so infactuated with each other we start dating 12 hrs from that point in time...but before we start to date, I go with Mf to get her tattoo, hahaha she asked me to make sure it was straight, it was but I tell her no and moved it slightly then she, believing me got it tattooed on her body.  For the record I screwed up her tattoo and she doesn't even know haha =D  Anyways on our way to get her tattoo she asked me if I ever had a story I could never tell anyone, I told her yes I do, she informs me "I bet mine's worse."  I could only say ok.  After her tattoo we go back to her apartment, as we're watching a movie she says to me "you remember that secret I couldn't tell anyone, well I'm going to tell you."  She informs me that military kid and her had sex 9 times on her floor, but it was more him taking advantage of her.  She then states I know you probably want to throw that apple your eating at me, I just wanted to let you know, so is my secret worse than yours.  I tell her no (for the record you can wonder but I'm not telling you).  She tells me this after I give my blessing for them to date or to fuck or whatever it is they were going to do.  I strictly told her that he was off limits, because I still had feelings for him, theres a code somewhere that your friends are not to date your ex's... I read it somewhere.  I was so pissed that I waited for her to fall asleep then I left, talking to this psycho guy, we agree to hang out later.  I end my friendship with her and military kid. 

Proceeding these events I get an onslaught of text messages from Mf stating I'm a whore and I just want to fuck all the military personel.  Why was I keeping military kid on the back burner while stirring my other pots, it wasn't fair to him.  This humors me now because when I look back she was only talking about herself, she had a friend that she has kept on the back burner stirring the pot occassionally to keep the guy on his toes.  She had only wanted what was mine and she got him.  And now I thank God in heaven those 2 are out of my life, what a disgusting group.

Military kid and her are broken up, Mf lost her fiance and I pray she lost her child as well, they are bothing living in Mfs friends home with his parents (kid on back burner shes' been stirring pots with), Military kid has a crap ass job and can't afford to live on his own, his parents will not take him back, so he's stuck living with his crazy ass ex girlfriend.  haha.  Neither will measure up to anything because they don't know how to treat people....crazy bastards deserve each other.

Ah tonight

I get home from work, turn on my computer and start cooking dinner, well I recieve this lovely instant message from an ex bf, you might remember him from my post about Vaca, sexy body and several bottles of whisky.  He doesn't say hi, or how are you doing.  No he tells me "Your a bitch and I hope you die and go to hell"....well hello to you to.  I had only one reply..."What?"  Well apparantly he was drunk, upset that after we broke ties I called him an asshole on a public domain (aka my dads facebook).  I did my own version of pissing him off, by not retaliating and I took all the blame upon myself.  I didn't want to feed into his anger by fighting back, instead I tried to defuse the matter and it worked, he started to open up about all the bimbos he was talking to, how they couldn't handle his sex and freaked out when he was talking about it with them.  He said I was the best sex he ever had (insert fist pump here) and that they were fatter than me and with my own thinking probably ugly as fuck.  haha.  He told me he still haves dreams of us, and that he told his coworker that he had a dream of us having sex and that he told him I was raping him...mhm right. lmao  He also informed me he was telling all his new girls that I was a horrible person and that I'm the villian.  Told me he talked to hundreds of girls since we broke up (I really think he was trying to make me jealous, instead inwardly I laughed till I cried..as if), I wanted to say Oh really, how many of them have aids or there's no chance in hell that your meeting or even going to marry.  But instead I said good your moving on, that's a strong and wise thing for you to do, who knows you might be talking to your next wife.  I'm glad your moving on.  He asked me how many guys I've met, hahaha he'd shit a brick if I told him, damn near told him I'm a lesbian but I held back, didn't want to give him reason to continue to think I was a bad person.  Instead again I deflected onto his one girl that he's 'not holding any promises with (ok what the fuck does that mean???  Really?).  I was the best damn girlfriend.  I went down to where he's at to meet him, not him coming to see me first, nope.  The he didn't have a car when I was down there so guess who got to drive his happy ass around, yea I met the fucking winner.  My last message consisted of me saying "Good luck finding your wifey it sounds like your making fantastic lluck, hope shes not a loser" then I blocked him...ahaha I had the last word...although now I expect some nude pics of me to appear on the internet, oh well then everyone can see how hot I am lmao.   Interject sigh here.  I hope he puts a bullet through his brain and lessens this world of one more loser.  Well that's all about tonight, I think I'm going to finish my bloody mary and head to bed.  Good night peeps.

A vacation, sexy body and several bottles of whisky.

That good old internet, I used to live by a philosophy give it a second chance, sometimes a third, so that's what I did.  I gave that internet dating website another try, why, I don't know maybe because I was lonely, needed someone to talk to, or even a rebound agent.  I started to talk to this guy, my god when I say he was sexy I mean he was ripped, tight abs, big arms and sexy legs.  Omg the instant I saw him I wanted to put my hands all over him.  We started to talk, telling me he's more of an eyes man, yes you read that right, an eyes man, he doesn't really go for looks (probably a lie, or else why would he be talking to me) and personality is highly important to me, we talked for several months and he was there with several of my life changing events, eventually I decided to go down to where he was and meet him.  When I first saw him I was so fit with giggles I couldn't even talk, we were meeting at a restaurant and it was the first time I've ever been struck with the giggles.  He was strong, tall and handsome, damn near the vision in my dreams.  He is what any girl would imagine getting into bed with and having the time of their life.  His muscles were so toned, he was a gym rat and believe you me it showed.  Omg!  Well we ended up dating and that night he stayed in my hotel room, would be a night I will never forget, it was amazing...anyway enough of me revisiting a very fun time in my past.  Spending a week with him I sorely went home, I didn't want to go, the weather was beautiful, the sex was great and the attraction...omg!  We had a great long distant relationship, lasted for several months.  Until I had one of my fantastic premonitions...damn it.  I was taking a bath, in complete zen and the thought in my head said "we will not last."  I was heartbroken, I tried to get around it, discussed the thought with him and it made the entire situation worse.  (Insert last half of previous post).  We concluded together to go ahead and take a break and see where it goes.  When I talked to my mother about the situation, so informed me I was a loser, and that I could never possibly find anyone better. 

This guy with tight abs and sexy body, had no direction in life,and to be honest he was a bit of a meat head, an idiot, but god was he sexy (hello shallow me) he didn't know what he wanted and cared more about his friend than he did me.  Which was fine, whatever I could care less since it was a long distant relationship.

I did the worst possibly thing you could do, I attempted to get him back, practically begging him (this will never happen again) all because my mom said I should, that I was a loser that I will never find anyone better, that I got rid of the best thing that could have ever happened to me.  Somehow I had fallen out of love with this guy, he became more of a friend than a lover.  We talked on the phone and I told him I was an idiot and if he could ever forgive me (this type of weakness I will never show again), he told me with glee in his voice that he didn't want to have any contact with me for one week, I believe that he wanted to see how far I would go to get him back about how broken I would be, gave me a date and time that he would contact me, luckily for me I was doing massive working that week.  We hang up and I being stubborn refused to contact him that entire week, turning off my phone, deactivating my facebook, I was going to be stronger than this, I was not going to show him my weakness again.  I picked up drinking, and I did a lot of it.  Every night I wasn't at work I'd be drinking, I wanted to drown my sorrow, my mother kept calling me an idiot, posting on his facebook about how he needs to give me a chance that all I need is love,  she showed me the song he dedicated to me, Beautiful Monster http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2J2dwFVZHsY (in some ways it still hurts, my chest constricts and right now I want to cry) I'm scared of being with someone, that he was the best thing that could have ever happened to me, that he made me so happy and how I was crying all the time and was heart broken, for the record after that night I discussed our break, I hadn't been over to my parents I would have been thrown in the drunk tank if the cops ever caught me on the roads.  I cried so much that I thought I couldn't cry any longer, but somehow I managed to cry more.  I became suicidal, I'm confident I gave myself alcohol poisoning one night and the only reason I stopped drinking that night was because I could no longer move, I damn near finished off fifth of Jack Daniels, I told my friend good bye cause I had every intention of dieing that night, I didn't want to live without him, damn you mother, stupid whore.  The only reason I'm still alive right now is because my friend came over at 3am and forced water down my throat, part of me wishes I would have never said good-bye and instead have just left a letter.  What my mother had done made things that much more worse for me, so much worse (and there's a blog about my mom but I think I'm going to wait until I start up another blog about the shit I've been through).  If I could not find anyone better than this guy then I didn't want anyone.  Towards the closing of our 1 week of no talking I started to heal, reparing my heart, building those walls, I stopped drinking.  I closed that chapter in my book and I was starting new, I wanted to start caring for me.

Work day, the day he would contact me, he sends me a text message and I feel anger consume me as I tell him that I hate him.  He's like that's not the response I expected, I asked him what did you expect me to crawl on my knees to beg for you back.  He told me you practically did, so I did the only thing I could think of, I attack him verbally.  We fight, and its a nasty fight, text message fights always are.  We quit talking and my mother calls me an idiot and anything else she could think of.  I fought myself, I started drinking again, now when I say drinking I don't mean sissy drinks I mean I drank whisky straight, sometimes straight out of the bottle.  I had hit rock bottom of my relationship life, and even now those days seem blurred, as if my mind was trying to block those events.  I started drinking with my neighbor and those events will be the next post.  I have found a strength within myself I never knew I possessed.  Its only when you've lost everything that your able to accomplish anything.

A musician sometime ago I had loved

There was a time several years ago when I was in high school and like most high school girls there was that one boy who won your heart just by looking at you.  He was a musician, ah now you see where my infactuation is going, and I was a writer, whats a better combo than that.  He was in a band with a funny name and had sat behind me in class.  A skinny toothpick of a guy, balding at the young age of 17, and a complete mystery to me; he was that cute slacker kid, who spent too much time doing God knows what into the late hours of the night and he would always ask to share my book with me cause he forgot his.  He enjoyed the crazy things I would write in class and outside of it and I would enjoy his music.  One day he invited me to one of his concerts and being who I am, I couldn't resist myself I went, hell bent on asking him out.  One of the girls we were a mutual friend with was talking about how it was dating him, I was crushed, I told her she was really lucky to have him.  I conceded to myself that evening that no matter what I would rather keep him as a close friend  than to lose him as a lover, I still hold true to that belief system.  He went through girlfriends like a pepsiholic goes thru pepsi, confessing his love to one and several months later they break up and he's heartbroken, and each time he was in a relationship I was single and vice versa.  Over the years we had maintained a friendship sharing music and various writing projects with each other, giving each other pep talks and me buying his cds.

One night both of us highly bored and nothing better to do hung out, drank and played a game.  After the game we sat on the couch debating over whatever topic I can't remember and end up making out.  his lips were so soft and tantalizing, I felt a shiver run up my spine and the only thing that can be described as fire works explode in my mind, when kissing someone I have never had this happen to me, whether it was the alcohol that was running rampant through my system or the fact that I had waited so long for this moment and it was a dream come true, to this day I never knew.

It happened one other night although this time we had played strip game, with the loser removing an article of clothing, it was fun, a bit embarrassing cause I'm not his usual skinny toothpick that he usually dates, I'm the more curvylicious sassy lady.  We were watching a movie that I now more than ever identify with.  We were in the heat of the moment when I being the damnable sensible person who happens to have been dating a gentleman several hundred miles away and haven't seen in many months, stop us from going any further and he looking at me bewildred but also knowing I have a boyfriend tells me I have some amazing self control and that my boyfriend was lucky to have me.  We get dressed start in on another debate, I didn't want him to drive home cause he'd been drinking, but not wanting to resume our night like how it had been previous he leaves, drunk.  I told him as we were talking about this and my apparant 'amazing self control', that I would rather keep him as a good friend than to lose him as a lover.  As I closed the door on him, the ending of the movie we had been watching comes on and I had identified with this section of the movie and until now when I reflect back, that maybe it wasn't me that should have been identifying with it, but him.

Until recently our friendship had remained, until this morning I recieved an email from him.  He said he was cutting all ties with any girl he had a history with whether making out or more and that he requested for me to not take it personal.  I'm trying my hardest not to take it personal because it's something he feels he must do, whether to have a new start with another girlfriend who probably wont last, or to become a better christian, I don't know.  Part of me is heartbroken and kicking myself in the ass for the things we did on those nights and because in the end I lost him regardless.

Battle lost, The War Won

Once upon a time there was a girl named Willow who enjoyed playing match maker, and she had a girl friend who had a dark secret, she was a crazy sociopath.  Willow had a Prince she adored with all her heart and only wanted to see happy and thought Crazy would make him a very happy man, little did she realize this girl would transform into a beast, beautiful outside but as ugly as any nasty creature you could think of.  They did make a perfect couple on the surface, he adored her, and with the hints and tips of Willow who was close to her, he won her heart.  Crazy was cruel and unkind to the prince behind willows back and fooled him into believing it was love and that she was sick, all the while exhibiting her own cruelty upon her friend, driving Willow mad.  Willow didn't know what was going on, made to believe she was overreacting she held her tongue and stiffled her own feelings when she should have told Crazy off.  Eventually a battle ensued between these 2 women, a great battle that would be remembered for generations to come, tearing the lands apart into various kingdoms.  This rift devestated many families, destroyed many crops as the troops would come in burn whatever they could see, slaughter animals and kill the towns folk.  Willow, taking pity on her kingdom backed off and surrendered; taking her causulties and losses she began the slow process of nurturing her kingdom and those left within bringing them back to their full potential so she could rule a healthy kingdom.  Later she hears wind that Crazy had lost everything and returned to her fathers castle where she was made a concubine and the Prince who had adored her banned her from his kingdom, never to return again.  The battle had been lost but the war was Willows.

Whiney and S.C.

There was a time when I had hung out with another guy while dating super center kid.  I don't know if it was the first time we started dating or the 2 or even 3rd time.  But I ended up hanging out with that whiney guy and felt so bad about it that I called super center kid to come join us.  Whiney was so jealous that he'd flex is muscles and try to impress me, laying on his wrestlerness, attempting to steal me away from Super center.  I was so tickled pink that some guy would actually try to steal me away from a bf.  Unfortunately for him however I was too dedicated.  This would be the last time I talked to him, poor kid, he was so super sexy, wonder what it would have been like dating a guy with 2 jobs and no money... I've always been curious as to where his money went to.  I wonder how his wrestling careers doing, I hope he's doing great and kicking major ass and getting all the girls.  I wonder if he still thinks about me, cause I sure think about him.  Ah sappyness at its best again.

Would you like cheese with that whine?

There was a time I was courting this cute guy that used to come into my work and be my customer.  He had one of those really sexy bodies that was slender and ripped, I just wanted to put my hands all over him.  He was cute, found out he was training to be a wrestler, which made him hotter.  This paticular man was before I started dating the guy at the super center.  Me being who I am, decided I was going to ask him on a date.  Our first date was a disaster, we had our times completely wrong he wanted to hang out at 9 in the morning and I was thinking 9 at night, we went to the mall (what is it with the mall) and we walked around.  My first mistake was wearing boots, by the end of our 2 hour chatting while walking my feet were killing me, my second mistake was not rescheduling for another day, sometime in the evening when the movie theatres most certainly would be open and allow me to look sexy and also sit.

This guy droned on about how he was not married, his 1st mistake, and how everyone in his family was having babies except him, 2nd mistake.  I do believe it was pure nervousness that kept him babbling on and on, I could forgive him of that, but really talking about having a family on the first date, honestly not what I wanted to hear.  If he would have talked about a good romp around or even a nice walk in the woods with me wearing tennis shoes, that would have been acceptable.  His voice, my God it was so whiney, I tried to get past the voice and visit the more shallow parts of my being and think of him wrestling and being hot under those tight clothes that he was wearing but all I could think about was how he would probably pop the question any minute.  I ran, didn't reschedule a date but did talk to him on the phone, his voice got to me, grated my nerves and all I could think about was his 2 worst mistakes.  He would have been a great date but I was young and not ready for any form of settling down.  I still think about him from time to time, wondering what he's up to, but figure I'll let a dead dog lie, why poke him and make things ooze unnecessarily.

Beauty and the Prick

In my minds thought, internet failed me once it can't certainly fail me a second time can it? Whats the harm in trying again.   On the internet again another uniform brat finds his way onto my page, again we strike up a convo, we meet at the mall, is this beginning to sound a bit familiar... Well let me back it up a bit.  I see his profile pic, skinny, dorky kid, my type although with a certain certainty I knew that if we were ever to have sex i'd probably break him.  He baits me with an invitation to a dance, a ball of sorts, I'm ecstatic I've never been invited to a dance before.  So over the next couple weeks we talk about it, he's charming, can talk very well and his voice wasn't winey or annoying, jackpot!  What's more he even had a good, well grounded job, an officer in the military hoorah!  Hot!  We decide to double date it, more my idea than anything.  So we meet up at the mall, and then all go to a museum, kinda like a jungle gym for big kids, sounded like great fun to me.  When I see this person get out of his jeep, I'm struck by how is profile pic doesn't look anything like him.  First off his nose is pointed up, like he's constantly looking down at everyone, I can forgive the nose.  He was a bit chunkier than I had expected, kind of scared the hell out of me but forgiveable, could have at least warned a girl.  See kids never trust profile pics it could be some creapy fat guy wanting to steal all your candy.  Thanking God I had decided to double date it with my 2 close friends, we all go to the museum, yay! fun! Or so I think, well this guy was not a playing guy, he was an uptight stiff who was shy, whats more fun than to make a stiff, flimsy and a shy guy open.  We continue to go on dates, me curious about him, and he looking for a wife, haha I'm not wifey material at least not in that point in time. 


We start to date and its cool in the beginning but as we continue to date the stiff becomes crude and an ass.  We would only see each other a couple days out of the month and when I came over he'd ask me when I was going home.  What's more the sex sucked, he got off but I never had that priviledge.  Every time I'd come close to breaking up with him he'd say that one thing that would keep me in the relationship.  He spoke the christian language but was far from it.  He asks me to marry him, now how he asks me was a bit off but I could forgive him, (I don't know if you see all the forgiving I've done in my relationships but I'm seeing it),  he used a ring I bought for 5 bucks taking it off my one finger and placing it on my ring finger asking me if I'd marry him.  We were sitting on his grandmothers couch of all places.  Prior to this he bought himself a treadmill he never used cause he hated exercising with the other military gentlemen, and had spent 3 grand on a stupid fucking computer that didn't even work, blaming me at one point cause he couldn't afford it cause he liked to go out and eat with me.  You offer to pay, sure, I mean its not like I drove 40 mins to visit a convict or anything...asshole.  He said when he got back he'd buy me an engagement ring, somehow I highly doubted this.


The day he left for deployment, I'm driving him to the airport and he turns to me and says "I know I shouldn't say this but I'm going to anyways, I almost asked you to sleep on the couch last night so I could get a decent nights rest."  My jaw nearly dropped off the face of the planet.  I told him "there are some things I just don't need to know."  He told me "I'm making the point that I didn't tell you last night."  The thought than ran through my head was not a nice one I wanted him to get shot, suffer horribly and die a horrible lonely death.  How dare he say that to me.  Not only did he say that but he also informed me that when he gets back home he just wanted me to pick him up and drop him off at home because he wanted to be alone.  I asked him so that means you won't want to spend anytime with me even though you'll have been gone for 6 months.  He said yea, cause I won't have had anytime to myself and I don't want you there till I'm ready to have you.  I was like ok then.  I did not break up with him at this point in time. 


We make it 3 months into his deployment, me horny as hell cause he didn't give good sex and I got nothing while he was there, I considered cheating on him.  I considered many times during our relationship to cheat on him, the key here is I considered it, but I didn't do it...damnit.  Having my alloted time away from him to give myself proper time to think about our relationship, I discuss with my best girl about should I wait till he gets back home and jerk him around a bit more or just do it over the phone.  Seeking various opinions the best way to do this, cause as much as I hated doing the bitch thing and break up with him while he was deployed, I decided I had ended my social circle long enough for this asshole and now its time to become the bitch and do what I hate to do.  So when he informed me that he was ready for me to call him, I called him and told him our relationship was over with.  I told him, lied to him, I said we're on 2 different pages of 2 different books.  What I should have told him was that I was breaking up with him because he was a prick, but if he became reckless where he's at I'd feel bad and I didn't want that on my conscience.  I mailed his stuff to his mother and that was the end of that relationship.  I still ponder to myself if I had done the right thing, but as I reflect on our relationship and how much of an asshole he was, I know it was the right thing to do, horrible timing but it was time nonetheless.  Prick.

Internet dating, an alias and a lie

One of the many fun things I have done was internet dating, I was introduced to a website, we'll leave it out of mention here, because I informed my friend who was also my roommate, classmate and coworker (there is a very entertaining story here but not, well you know what this is kinda what this websites about but that is going to be a later post and believe you me that is a fun story all in its own) who in turn introduced me to this website of mention.  I spent several hours browsing through hot singles, clicking them to meet them, one had accepted and we started to chat, I was intrigued and turned on by his military uniform, how could I help myself, uniforms are sexy as hell.  After a few weeks of chatting we decided to meet at the mall and chat, it was great we had so much in common, he liked military I liked military, we both had parents and we both had our worlds revolving around video games.  It was a match made in heaven.  Not to mention I was in college about to graduate, had a steady job, a vehicle and a head still attached to my shoulders whereas he did not have a steady job, in the reserves, no vehicle and played soccer with his brain regularly.  I mean whats not to love about this guy.  The sex was great, meaning was great.  Later on I found out he had gotten another girl pregnant and was expecting to be a daddy, aww cute a low down lazy bastard, I mean what a cute father figure.  After a while of dating he was in the other room with my friend (my first screw up post1) and I looked at his phone, noticing that I was still not his background I decided it was high time he got to see me even when I wasn't around him.  Went through his photos and there she was, him laying in bed with another woman, them being all lovey dovey, in between my photos.  Me, his girlfriend...really?  I storm up to him and ask him 'Who the fuck is this?'  He starts stammering and saying uh uh yea I just didn't take her photos out of my phone, it was a while ago, then he makes up some bs story about her being before me, but before the girl he got pregnant.  I let it roll for a bit, allowing my  feelings to stew.  I think back to when we hung out after he got done from hanging at his dads house who lives about 4 hrs away and how he had scratches on his back, love scratches.  He baited me with 'oh i was just wrestling with one of the girls i used to know'.  I let it roll.  Him not answering his phone for days on end saying 'I left my phone in my sisters car', whatev.  The girl pic was the last straw, I stewed thinking how I wanted to break up with him.  Finally I called him over telling him to bring all my stuff and that fated saying most guys dread to hear 'we need to talk'.  It was great, my favorite saying to use on a guy, makes their head spin and the thoughts of 'oh shit' run rampant through their minds.  I broke up with him.  He was devestated and sorry, I was elated, cold as ice and happy, victory you sorry bastard.  I dated him one other time and the events that proceeded after that were one hell of an adventure.  Hang on thats coming up.

Body builder, Poe and one tempting night

Shortly after my escapades with my writer guy, I was at a super store with my best friend, we were bored and had nothing better to do, we decided to walk around the gaming section and thats where I saw him, his short stature, fingers on a video game controller , I could feel the self confidence rolling off of him when he started to talk to me.  He asked me on a date, exchanging numbers, I just couldn't resist myself I had to, it was written in the way of nature, I went on the date.  I found out he was training to be a body builder, trying to become a physical trainer, coupled with his short stature I was humored, we eventually started to date.  It was great, we hung out, played poker with his family and watched movies.  Him living in his parents basement it was forbidden for us to go to his room, we had to stay in supervision, he 23 me 19, naturally he asked me to have sex with him in his car.  I couldn't help but remember how I lost my virginity, so I told him absolutely not, we never did have sex, now that I think back to it I believe he was the only one of bfs after I lost my virginity that I did not have sex with, which really cracks me up.  Oh and how he tried, it was funny watching him rithe in my refusal, cracked me up.

One night so fed up with not having sex, I decide to get dressed up in my sexiest outfit that showed more than enough cleavage for my own comfort. Going to his work minutes before he would be clocking out to go.  I send him a text asking him if he'd like to hang out tonight and go do something fun.  He informed me, that he'd rather go out with his friends tonight.  So I leave and as I do so I text him ok have fun tonight.  Looking good and not wanting to waste it, I drive to my favorite book store and look at books, the love of my life being on the clock tonight was all I could have asked for.  Knowing he was watching me, I put on my saddest demeanor and just stare at some books, I mean I was suppose to get laid for the first time in like forever of course I was bummed out, I just amped it up some.  Walking up to me, he asks me what type of books I liked, so I tell  him and thats when I'm introduced to an awesome series, would say which one it is but unfortunately if he comes across this website somehow I don't want him to know I was talking about him.  I've known this gentleman for years and the fire of when I first met him stills burns just as strongly as it did back then, even to this day.  I would have broken up with hick if only he, my Poe had asked me to and to turn around and date him.  He buys me a coffee: a White chocolate latte, I still remember that to this day, damn my hearts all fluttery, and we chat.  it goes no further than this because him being older than I and I being in a relationship, but don't mistake for a minute I didn't contemplate cheating on Body builder.  I drive home, lighter than a cloud and call my other best friend and I tell her about that very wonderful evening.  A few weeks later my relationship with body builder ends and I'm onto my next adventure, this one about the same height although in the military, my first military bf...or is it...I don't rightly remember.  To this day Body builder still doesn't know that I was going to have sex with him, if he knew he'd be so pissed at himself, hell I think that would be hilarious, he still works at that super center, he's gotten chubbier, and is not a physical trainer.  Poor guy haha.

a writer, singer and another writer

During the destruction of the crazy hick relationship I was forging another, a special bond with someone that could actual read and write.  I met him at a coffee shop, during open mic night after I read some of my poetry one nighte, we struck up a converstation, it was love, an attraction I've never felt for another person, not even that crazy guy I had dated.  We kept in contact over the next couple months, talking, writing together, eventually he joined in my escapades at those 24hr diners enjoying coffee with me as we poked each others minds for stories, it was a connection I had been longing to share with another human being  and it was beautiful.  We would get up at open mic nite and sing with one another read our poetry or even short stories, telling each other what could be better about it and what we did right.  One night my friend comes up to me and says 'Paris' just asked me out.  She was so happy, I had to be happy for her but underneath my happiness i was angry, hurt and I felt betrayed, we had such a connection how could he do this to me.  Eventually I got over my feelings and moved on.  Their relationship lasted for a couple months but they ended and Paris came back to me, seeking solace in my arms.  I told him we could only date for 3 months, he said that it could never work between us because he just doesn't feel that way for me anymore in an unsurprised indifference  i told him ok, walked up and got another cup of coffee.  It was not the response he wanted, I could see it within his face, he was expecting me to be crushed, cry and beg for him, I tell you now it wasn't going to happen sure I felt hurt when he told me he wanted to date me then went for one of my friends but I got over it.  But, if you ask me now as to why I told him 3 months I could never tell you.  Later it came out that he was gay, had a bf and never did publish that book like he said he was going to.  All in all I'm glad I was not his last gf. =-)

A crazy side story that, as short as it is, lasted for 3 years

Here's a story that in its own way had a tragic ending.  A man I lost my virginity too because I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with went nuts on me, when we had had sex for the first time he went crazy on me, more than his normal, controlling always wanting sex, I'm a sexaholic but not as much as he was.  Towards the end of our relationship he would get so angry that he would come close to hitting me, I got out before he did, but he did his own form of abuse upon my mind, mental abuse is cruel and in some ways worse than physical, it lasts for years whereas a broken bone or bruise mends over time, the havoc left upon a mind does not heal, at times it will fester and get worse.  How did I not see his crazyness, was I blinded by that hell called love, was I too young to understand, only the perceptiveness of who I am now can really understand.

I guess  my first clue into the fact that Hick was a crazy psycho was when I had gotten into a car with our mutual friend, because we were helping them move, he flipped out hugging me and saying he's sorry we have to be separated, we would have only been away from each other for like 20 mins.

The second clue should have been that he would leave me no time for my friends, consuming every ounce of my time.  It would get so bad that I would at times have no time for sleep, the amount of time I would have to dedicate to sleep on some nights would be anywhere from 2hrs to 30mins.  On a high school student it was very hard on me, my grades started to suffer and so did my friend ships.

Thirdly him pressuring me to have sex with him after he stole my virginity in the passenger seat of his mothers car, a taurus of all damn vehicles, couldn't be something sexy like a damn jeep or hell the bed of his truck, no it was a taurus.  I would not want to have sex and he was say 'of all the things I do for you, picking you up and you cant help me out'  it would go on for many times like this until I broke down and had sex with him.  I got to the point where I hated sex, I hated him but I'd feel so bad that I'd have sex with him disregarding my own personal feelings.

Last but surely not least him telling me he'd kill himself if I broke up with him and further going into descriptions.  I got to the point in this relationship where it was either him or I that was going to die, I started to go through scenarios of how I'd kill myself and then him.  I Finally ended up breaking up with him and when he jumped in front of my car I couldn't help myself but to try and run his ass over. later he started to stalk me outside my high school, home and work.  I quit sleeping at night and spent my time at a local diner, drinking coffee and writing.  Not only had I quit sleeping but I had practically quit eating as well, everytime I saw him I'd flip out and start screaming at him.

Even though its been a good four years since I had ended that relationship I still feel myself becoming angry and hating him, I still have no trust in men, of course after this shit who could blame me.

A hick, a teen and snow

back oh so many years ago it was christmas and snow had graced itself upon the earth.  Maybe I should go back a few months to when I first met this person we are going to name him hick.  I met him through my best friend I would give her a nickname but I highly doubt it's appropriate here.  As to when we actually met, I do believe I blocked the events from my mind.  I had gone to his high school graduation where his sexy slender fit body was meeting its end, there we fell in love with each other, later he came to my 8th grade graduation and he was acquanted with my psychotic mother who hated him automatically.   The only reason why I dated him was because his brother was taken and I couldn't have him, my mother hated him and I felt sorry for him.  It was christmas and to this point in time I had spent lots of time with this individual, talking with my best friend I told her I was in love and that I was tired of waiting for him to ask me out.  She told me 'go ask him out', so going outside her room I say 'hey (hick) why don't you ask me out already.'  He asks me out, the last day of my vacation with my friend were, his brother, my friend, hick and I are outside in the snow wrestling and throw each other around.  This was the beginning of 3 very eventful, blissful years...oh wait just eventful.  Thus the beginning of the many more blogs to come.

once upon a time

When stupidity ran rampant within my veins my girlfriend and I went to the mall, her father dropped us off and we went strolling.  Being with another girl who was just as boy crazy as I, I felt braver and more daring than I usually would, so seeing a cute, sexy guy I walked up to him and told him he was hot then the only natural thing I could think of to do was to walk away.  My girlfriend looked behind us and saw the guy waving us back so we go back, hang out with him for a bit and meet up with his other guy friends, mind you I was about oh 14 and these guys were in their 20s.  The only logical thing we saw fit to do was to get into a car with these guys, now if i remember correctly there were about 4 or 5 to just 2 little girls,  we head back to their house to kick it and watch a movie. My friend hooked up with one, went upstairs and had sex in the guys parents bed.  Naturally I was attracted to the big guy and I learned that he already had a baby momma, did nonstop drinking, smoked, was in a gang and raced cars and teany boppers dream right.  Fortunately for me however I had a bf (boyfriend) on the side who was sexy, charming and the biggest hick I've ever met, so God knows I had to be in love.  The guy finding out I have a bf wanted me to date him and break up with the hick.  Poor hick I just felt too committed to break his heart, so staving off my stupidity I stayed with him.  My friend being sexed out and it being late asked one of the guys if he could take us to the movies so we could get picked up.   Her father, understanding the lie picked us up and dropped us off.  Last I heard the guy never talked to her again after that, and the gangsta's were going to beat his ass....  and they lived happily ever after.  the end.

My first real screw up oh so long ago

As a child I was never shown much in the way of affection from the male race, as I have grown up I have sought after various relationships and most have failed, primarily due to my own naivety.  I was new to my middle school and made some friends, I had one guy friend who I fell madly in love with and eventually coaxed him into dating me.  We dated for a couple weeks, I don't think it was really long, we went on dates and held hands, you know what every child pokes and prods at in a relationship.  We were sitting across from each other on the bus and some of the kids were calling him gay.  Not sure why cause he most certainly was not and in an effort to prove them wrong I leaned into Burner (code name) and attempted to plant him one on the kisser, he pulled away from me and wouldn't talk to me after that.  Hurt and feeling a bit dejected I told him it was over, on the bus and in front of all the kids that were making fun of him.  To this day I realize that it was a stupid thing to do to break up with him, and I regret it, but we have maintained an awesome friendship to this day, so I guess I haven't lost him completely.