There was a time several years ago when I was in high school and like most high school girls there was that one boy who won your heart just by looking at you. He was a musician, ah now you see where my infactuation is going, and I was a writer, whats a better combo than that. He was in a band with a funny name and had sat behind me in class. A skinny toothpick of a guy, balding at the young age of 17, and a complete mystery to me; he was that cute slacker kid, who spent too much time doing God knows what into the late hours of the night and he would always ask to share my book with me cause he forgot his. He enjoyed the crazy things I would write in class and outside of it and I would enjoy his music. One day he invited me to one of his concerts and being who I am, I couldn't resist myself I went, hell bent on asking him out. One of the girls we were a mutual friend with was talking about how it was dating him, I was crushed, I told her she was really lucky to have him. I conceded to myself that evening that no matter what I would rather keep him as a close friend than to lose him as a lover, I still hold true to that belief system. He went through girlfriends like a pepsiholic goes thru pepsi, confessing his love to one and several months later they break up and he's heartbroken, and each time he was in a relationship I was single and vice versa. Over the years we had maintained a friendship sharing music and various writing projects with each other, giving each other pep talks and me buying his cds.
One night both of us highly bored and nothing better to do hung out, drank and played a game. After the game we sat on the couch debating over whatever topic I can't remember and end up making out. his lips were so soft and tantalizing, I felt a shiver run up my spine and the only thing that can be described as fire works explode in my mind, when kissing someone I have never had this happen to me, whether it was the alcohol that was running rampant through my system or the fact that I had waited so long for this moment and it was a dream come true, to this day I never knew.
It happened one other night although this time we had played strip game, with the loser removing an article of clothing, it was fun, a bit embarrassing cause I'm not his usual skinny toothpick that he usually dates, I'm the more curvylicious sassy lady. We were watching a movie that I now more than ever identify with. We were in the heat of the moment when I being the damnable sensible person who happens to have been dating a gentleman several hundred miles away and haven't seen in many months, stop us from going any further and he looking at me bewildred but also knowing I have a boyfriend tells me I have some amazing self control and that my boyfriend was lucky to have me. We get dressed start in on another debate, I didn't want him to drive home cause he'd been drinking, but not wanting to resume our night like how it had been previous he leaves, drunk. I told him as we were talking about this and my apparant 'amazing self control', that I would rather keep him as a good friend than to lose him as a lover. As I closed the door on him, the ending of the movie we had been watching comes on and I had identified with this section of the movie and until now when I reflect back, that maybe it wasn't me that should have been identifying with it, but him.
Until recently our friendship had remained, until this morning I recieved an email from him. He said he was cutting all ties with any girl he had a history with whether making out or more and that he requested for me to not take it personal. I'm trying my hardest not to take it personal because it's something he feels he must do, whether to have a new start with another girlfriend who probably wont last, or to become a better christian, I don't know. Part of me is heartbroken and kicking myself in the ass for the things we did on those nights and because in the end I lost him regardless.
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