Advice to my fellow women

One thing I've learned about relationships is that they are overrated.  In the past I've gotten in relationships because I've felt lonely and to not feel bad about screwing someone outside of marriage.  That is something that's been ingrained in me since childhood and slowly but surely that is going out the damn window as I'm doing 90 down the highway.  Marriage is highly overrated it is in my opinion only a piece of paper that costs a lot of money and god forbid you should get a divorce cause that costs an ass load of money.  I've found myself fuck buddies and I enjoy it because I get my needs met and then they get home, unless your my current fuck buddy then you stick around and talk with me.  The only thing is it kind of wierds me out when they stick around after sex and we chit chat.  I mean aren't they suppose to leave afterwards?  My friends all tell me that means he's interested in me.

Ladies here's a tip I've discovered: When you get a man's number text or call him once, if he doesn't reply or call back, don't continue to call him.  Let the number sit for about a week, then send another text or phone call, if nothing, then delete the number.  If they are truly interested in you and they see your not acting desperate they are more likely to come to you.  don't go to them, fuck that, let them come to you.  Dress your best, act the flirt but don't be easy unless your looking for a one night stand, in that case feel free to be easy.  Also ladies, in bed don't be limp and lay there, flip him over and ride that man, hold his arms down as your ridding him and then procede on biting his neck, drives them absolutely crazy!  lol I love it, cause when I do that them men keep coming back, I know, that's why I have exes still trying to get back with me. 

Ladies, don't fuck around with men, if your interested and they show that they are interested and actually make the effort to get to know you, don't blow them off.  If your not interested shit just be honest with them, its best to punch them as hard as you can in the face rather than sugar coating the blow.  That's the way I work.  I just got done telling an ex of mine that we were never going to date and that he could never have me because I didn't trust him and then I told him exactly the reasons why I didn't trust him (previous post, crazy ass hick).  Men hate it when you beat around the bush, so don't, don't sugar coat shit.  Men love a woman who is honest, men love me because I'm brutally honest, something I've learned over the years.

Ladies if you don't trust your man and you have to find out if he's cheating on you there is 2 things going on: either your ultra paranoid or he's giving you reason not to trust him.  Be open and honest with him, ask him direct questions.  Are you cheating on me?  Do you want to be with someone else?  Chances are its not you and some men will try and make it about you, what's wrong with you, listen take it in, but under no circumstance attempt to change for that ass.  There's a few men that will lie but you  can tell in how they reply that they are lieing to you, if you still despite all his good efforts to convince you other wise that he's not cheating on you still believe he's cheating on you, break up with him, don't beat around the bush, don't wait for your heart to get broken worse than what it already is, just break up with him.  In the case that you are just ultra paranoid cause you've been in relationships where guys have cheated on you, then I suggest you speak to someone, or take time off of relationships and learn more about yourself, treat yourself, do something nice for you.  Don't lead a man to love you and then suspect them of cheating on you.  To the few good guys that don't, that hurts like a mother fucker.

Anyways this post is done, anything you want to hear about, any post you want clarification feel free to ask away.  Peace ya'll

Morgan

Lets be interactive

Alright ladies, gentlemen, this is going to be an interactive blog.  What would you all like to see in the next blog, or whenever I start to get comments on this?  Any burning questions you have for me?  I look forward to your questions or thoughts.

There was a boy one time, who I fell in love with in middle school and stayed in love with him through my time being alive.  Only seeking happiness for him I hooked him  up with my roommate because I wasn't sure if I could be the one to bring him happiness.  They broke up because unknoweth to me she was psychotic.  Now all I want is for him to be happy, but I also want myself to be happy.  I'm sure, positive down there somewhere in his heart he has a seed of love for me.  He shows me just by the way he acts around me or talks to me when we have a chance to be together.  I miss him terribly and want to be by his side for the rest of my life and yet he loves another.  I have a hard time trying to love another person as much as I love him, no matter who I date, who I meet he's always there nestled softly within the chambers of my heart, I harbour him there like the womb holds a seed.  I can't help it, he's the only one I want, yet he tells me to go out have fun and if we're meant to be together then it'll happen.  I'm not one for fate, I believe in writing your own destiny on that tablet of life, if guided by fate then so be it but I walk my own path in life.

I just really miss him right now and he doesn't come home till december when he'll be bringing his girlfriend...I suppose everyone has their Ashley Wilkes.

Fascination, personal musings and all things attractive

This evening is a very strange one indeed.  I do believe I'm slightly hormonal, watching romance movies with my cats and dog wondering if one day my life will become a romance story in and of itself.  Even reading back on the various relationships I've had, I think to myself, will there ever be an end to the drama of breaking up and finally just be an ever after.  Then I realize I live in the real world and that my happy ending is not likely.  The happy ending that's more than likely to happen for me, is finding a bigger apartment for my cats and dog and retiring at a nice old age and having a nice large marijuana farm so I can stay marginally stoned the entire time I wait for death.  Before that time however I plan on meeting all kinds of women and men and testing those tepid waters that writhe underneath my feet.  I plan on visiting places meeting new people and living life to the fullest while I am still young. 

Ok so now that my personal musings are over with lets get with what you all have been waiting for...new developments in my life.

Ok so I work with a secretary who is fantastic, sexy as hell and smart, around my age very attractive.  We shared numbers and I've sent him a text or 2, but no more than that preferably because first off in my lessons in life I will not appear needy or desperate and I would prefer him to come to me.  I really like him and he's a nice guy.  He told me and the other ladies I work with that he has tattoos. Nickname: Tattoo

One of the managers I work with is, well when I first saw him he damn near took my breath away.  I so love talking to him because he is on my level and what's even better he even lives near me.  blue eyes.  Small development nothing huge.  Nickname: Blues

I met a guy, who's a doctor and very attractive.  Smart, funny and receptive.  Nickname: Doc

Alright now saving the best for last....This is the one I found most entertaining.  I was coming back from my favorite coffee shop and walking down to the rivers edge, I almost ran into a guy as I was walking down there because I was lost in my thoughts. We go our seperate ways and as I go sit under a tree, drink my latte and enjoy the scenery, I see him scaling the ledge to the embankment of the river so he can walk on the outcropping of rocks.  I start an open monologue in my head as I watch him sit down on the outcropping.  After about 15 minutes of him just sitting out there, I see him coming back.  Curiosity being more than I can take i walk over to the little area that leads to the rock wall and sit down on a bench.  When he comes close to where I'm at I say 'hello, I have a question for you.'  So we start talking and it was really pleasant because he consented to join me on the bench.  We haven't shared numbers but he's aware of my favorite coffee shop cause that's where he goes.  Maybe we'll see each other again...maybe not, only time will tell. Nickname: Mexico


I've given each of these guys nicknames just in case more develops I can refer you back to their origin.  Who knows this could be quit fun.

fuck buddies

lol so I txted my fuck buddy to tell him I once again single and he informs me that he misses hooking up with me.  I was informed that I was pretty damn good in bed.  Well I suppose its time to find another fuck buddy...gay.

The breakup...cleaner break than I've ever had...

Well I just broke up with my girlfriend.  To be honest she wasn't mad or at least didn't let on that she was mad.  I could tell she was holding back tears because she didn't want to cry in front of me and to be honest I was about to cry but I held back my tears, she was an awesome girlfriend but I knew that in the long run we would not have lasted and that if we stayed in the relationship long term it would have come to a very messy end and that's not something I had wanted for either of us, because she is a great girl with a fantastic personality, but our personalities in the long run would clash and then our relatonship would be nothing but a smoldering heap.  she would have asked if I'd like to get a place with her and I would have had to reply with I can't.  she did agree to stay friends though which is good, but I'm going to give her time to lick her wounds in peace.  I'm glad this was not a messy break up, I hate those its not good for either person besides I'd much rather keep her as a friend than to lose her as a lover....that line has brought me nothing but heartache in the past.  this post is done.  I need to go lick my wounds...my self inflicted wounds.

Mohawk, crazy hick and committment issues...

ok so remember about that girl I told you about that was pushing for a relationship even though we didn't know each other...well ya we been dating 2 months going on our third the 22 or 28th of this month.  The damn girl drives me bonkers.  Shes so hyper and happy and I mean she's really hyper bounces off the walls, I love the fact she's a very happy person but she's over the top with it.  I had considered asking her to live with me but I don't think I have the patience for that.  I'm a very mellow and down to earth type of girl, I don't usually get to excited and don't mind staying in and mostly I don't talk alot.  My girl however talks all the time, when she gets any caffiene she bounces off the damn wall, did I mention she reminds me of a teenage girl when she's like this.  She's on antidepressant medication so she's got one more thing in common with me, psych issues.  I don't forsee our relationship lasting too long because we are so different.  I love her don't get me wrong but I would rather hurt her earlier in our relationship than later when it'll only get harder on both of us, time is on my side.  I guess I'm not a very committed person when it comes to relationships, I'm too wishy washy, besides i'm still quit young and I want to explore everything out there.  She's coming over later this evening and I'm going to sit her down and tell her what's on my mind, be very open and honest...not that this has actually done me any good in the past and trying to be open and honest with a girl...wow that should be interesting.  I hope she agrees to just be friends for right now.

Ok now the crazy ass hick development.  He had a girl move in with him with 2 children, did I mention moved in with hicks dad..?  They didn't even know each other for christs sake!!! yea...well she brought her kids but lost them because hicks dads house is the house of a hoarder, and she wasn't out there to pick them up because of one last booty call....'yea i'm suppose to pick my kids up, but lets fuck instead, I like that so much more than actually trying to take care of my kids.'  So she lost her kids, crazy hick got a house for them so she could get her kids back and so he could take care of her, one I didn't get cause I knew I'd get fucked over....hey guess what, he did get fucked over, anyways so instead of busting her ass to get her kids back she goes out, parties, does drugs and fucks over crazy ass hick.  This entire time we all were trying to tell him he was in a relationship with her but he said no they weren't they were only fuck buddies...yea...ok...right.  Well when I tried to tell him I'm happy he's in a relationship he tells me no I'm not, I'm waiting for you, you have my heart and I love you and I want to be in a relationship with you...blah blah blah blah... so the bitch pisses hick off and he kicks her out cause she was fucking around his back and doing drugs.  Now a week or 2 later he feels sorry for kicking her out and telling DFS that she was out doing drugs and what not and is trying to get her back cause 'she found a way in my heart and i don't know how she did it...i really care for her.'  Idiot, even though not only did we all tell him he was in a relationship but also that she was bad for him and that in the end she was going to fuck him over....well now he's going back to the state I brought him from, a good idea in my opinion he seemed to have more going for him out there than he does down here, not to mention I really want him to stop confessing his love and pouring out his damn heart to me.  He got so pissed at me when I told him I was talking to women on the internet to explore my options.  Seriously we got into a huge fight over it and he gave me that stare..the stare that was trying to make me back down.  I've got a steal rod for a spine and an ice cold heart and I told him to get his shit and get out, I wasn't interested in dating him right now which is what I told him when he first came to live with me...fucktard.  So anyways, now that I'm off that tangent.  He's giving her 2 weeks to come back to him before he ups and leaves to go back to his state.  Good riddens to bad rubbish, I found out that he hasn't changed in anyway in fact he seems to have gotten worse and now I feel content....now to get rid of my roommate...omg! Thats another blog post...damn I can't wait for him to leave!!

My Scotsman...omg!

ok so that tried and true website for dating, I found a guy from Scotland...when I say he was hot I mean he was hot...omg!  we skyped together and his voice just turned me on and he talked to me about how he'd like to do any number of things to me and seriously considered booking a flight over there and seeing what he's all about.  I mean seriously talk about the sexiest voice ever... the only thing I wasn't really so sure about was the number of women he's slept with...I mean you can have the sexiest voice, tattoo's in all the right places and the firmest, sexiest ass in the world but with the number of women you slept with really makes me think.  He even sent me a really fun song called She's so lovely by Scouting for Girls.  omg! I really should have gone over there, if I knew what i know now I would have gone over there and had my way with him....mmmm...I'm going to send him a message, we had gotten in a tift over something really rediculous but I'd really love to hear his voice again...yea I would...MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Figured I'd just say this:  THANK GOD I'M NOT DATING THE HICK AGAIN!!! Holy shit!  Ok I'm done lol

what the fuck

man the crazy hicks over here to hang out with his friend and to gather his shit... I think I would have done much better if I had never invited him back into my life...he walks around like he's got a big dick and that he's all that, but all he is is a damn hick...I mean come on!  Your not sexy, your not hot but you are a psycho!  I hate the way he stands, I hate the way he smells...  he used to stalk me outside my school, work and home, like I figured having him back into my life would have been any different...fuck!  I'm an idiot, but I suppose live and learn...man am I happy I never let that one guy know where I live, holy god!  Anyways he's moving around my house, asking me hows life, work and whatever else...as if much has changed since thursday....he acts like I've damaged him, but hes the only one whose hurt himself...well anyways that's enough of my rant right now...maybe I'll tell you about my Scottsman...mmm now that's a fine piece of ass lol

Mohawk, crazy ass drunk hick and the plans for a girls night

So I hung out with my girl today...lets call her...ummm...mohawk, cause you know she likes mohawks, anyways she wants to date, but doesn't know when the right time is to ask, I told her I'm very hesitant to get into a relationship right now, not only because I really don't care for commitments but also because I don't want to be binded to anyone right now, I'm enjoying my freedom.  She's awesome and I really like her but as I said I'm very hesistant about getting into a relationship with her, face it women are nuts. 

Anyways, I was suppose to go on a float trip in a couple weeks but I decided against it cause that crazy ass hick is suppose to go and frankly I don't feel like being around a drunk hick and getting into fights and arguements with him, just does not sound like a good time to me.  Anyways I am going to host a girls night inviting my drunk friend, my young friend and mohawk.  I think board games, movies and just full on bullshiting...or maybe it should be bitchshitting since its a bunch of women lol.  Anyways that's all for this evening, I'm pretty sure there's a guy I had dated I haven't told you all about yet but I'm not 100% sure.  Anyway if there is be sure you'll be reading about it cause I'm sure it was crazy lol.  Have a great evening everyone... maybe I should do some elaboration on these events...  I'll probably go through them and do more elaboration but not right now, just later.

Bisexual, Lesbian and the plot of ditching

Where to begin, where to begin.  My friends have always known me to be bisexual, into both men and women (you know for those of you who have never heard that term before), I've only ever dated men, but if you can see from all my posts so far, no luck, so I'm trying my hand at women.  I like women, fantasize about them occassionally especially Mila and Christina Cox (mmmmm....), so I've decided to join a lesbian dating website (it has to be different then looking for men...right?) and I posted on fb that I'm interested in women, so far I got several different hits and met one girl all this in less than 24hrs (hellz ya!), I really like the girl I'm talking to, she is just recently exploring from the closet and has never dated another girl, we're talking right now and so far hitting it off really well.  I still have a fantasies about men so I guess I'm not completly lesbian.  I did tell that guy in the previous post that I was lesbian, but I do believe that was more or less to get rid of him (I'm evil).  Anywho I'm giving this a try, after all I'm an adventurer....oh and did I ever mention that I never really did want to date the hick and I was just after his brother, but found out his brother had a gf so I settled...man was I an idiot, I mean come-on!  The guys a fucking psycho!  I tried again and it is true when they say 'an ex is an ex for a reason', I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't missing anything....people really don't change.... *sigh* except me, but that's cause I wanted to ;-)

finding closure with the hick

You remember about that ex I told you about, who was kinda crazy and a hick...well here's the new development (don't worry when I don't update this thing in a while that just means I'm going on adventures and what an adventure this one is...).  A couple months ago like late May or early June... I had reconnected with that crazy hick and while talking to him over the phone (he was living in another state), I heard his crazy ex gf call him slow and a retard (after living with him, I do have to admit he was slow) it pissed me off so bad that I was going to go up there and whip the girls ass, I in essence forced him down here to get him away from her because I had to listen over the phone to him being terrified of the girl cause she would beat the shit out of him and he doesn't believe in hitting women, and he was running and what not.  I was very concerned for him because yes I did have deeply rooted feelings for him.  So he came down here and we meet in a state inbetween and our mutual friend who I had just met jumps into his car with him.  Not even 5 mins in the car and he gets hauled off to jail, so the cop pissing me off, I decided to do the most sensible thing, bail his ass out of jail for a pretty penny.  Hick comes to stay with me and we work on getting to know each other and in that process of getting to know each other, he crawls up my butt, roots his tendrils in there and practically dies there.  He was like a  puppy who just found the kingdom of heaven and all the bones he can chew on.  Slowly I find myself falling out of love with him and don't really realize it till recently.  I know he came back for me, so I try and stick it out.  It had gotten to the point where he pissed me off cause he just wanted to go everywhere with me (yes he's the clingy type).  Last night I decide to join a lesbian dating website and met a girl (I'll explain in a later post).  I told the hick this and he gets all depressed and mopy on me like a whipped puppy.  Today I had met the girl and find that I really like her cause she's got a fantastic personality.  and he gets home from school and says he's going to take a shower and says to me 'you can always join me,' I tell him no because I'm lesbian and I really like the girl I met today.  he says to me 'that's not something I wanted to hear.'  He gets out of the shower and starts to fight with me, saying I was wrong for forcing him to come down here and making him lose his job (which he himself stated he could get back) and any other thing to say to make me feel bad.  He gives me that look, that strong look in the eyes like trying to make me look away, assure his masculinity and I stare him down, this is the same shit he did when we had broken up the first time 4 years ago and I wasn't about to back down.  I told him when he first came down that I wanted to take it slow because I have alot of emotions to work through and that I can't gaurantee its gonna work out between us.  I didn't toy with his heart, I did not allow him to touch me, hug me or fuck him.  He kept trying to insist on getting back into a relationship and I had to reinforce what I had told him.  I should have left his ass up there, left well enough alone because we just went down the same goddamn road.  but had I left well enough alone then my 'what-ifs' would not have been satisfied.... take the good with the bad I suppose but at least now I know.... *sigh*

Captain, club, internet and the rivers edge

Alright so lately I've been on a spree, last week I met a guy on monday at a coffee shop, I was listening in on this groups discussion about the paranormal and was extremely intrigued, saw this guy with the most electrifying blue eyes I have ever seen and was even more intrigued.  Talked with the leader of the group when he came down for a cup of coffee and we discussed the group, he invited me to sit in and listen to everything, naturally I sat next to blue, although I've nicknamed him captain, we get to discussing various things in the paranormal and I pegged him for 40, but asked him anyways and he said he was 40, his eyes reminded me of something, like someone who has a serious anger problem, he sits uneasy with me, even now, cause my instinct says to stay away from him, its also telling me that he's a beater, not only that but he's like ginormous next to me, I'm a short skinny little thing, and he's tall with a gut, I don't trust him, I'm gonna cancel our date tomorrow actually...ok well thank you for listening to my uneasyness.

Well anyways I went out on Tuesday to a few clubs to try that scene for dating, had some luck got a really hot guys # but he hasn't called me back so I'm gonna drop that, don't like the club scene anyways I feel like I gotta drink when I'd much rather have a clear head when meeting guys, I hate being clumsy.

Wednesday I joined a couple dating websites, now before you say anything, here's my reasoning behind it, first off its free, secondly when a person gets onto a dating website usually they are looking for someone to be a companion, even if that companions use is for one thing and one thing only, or tired of the failings of the bar flies and coffee shop hobos, I love coffee shops but having piss poor luck there too.  met a very interesting guy off the internet and he seems cool but we'll see, he's already portrayed a few traits that I really don't care for.

Now there's a saying for us women "why buy the whole pig for just a little sausage."  Thursday my friend, whose a girl, and I went out to the park, there was an off branching into a wildlife place so we decided to explore it, we were having fun bullshitting and what not, when a really cute guy came riding past us on a bike, I watched him pass us and told my friend, "damn I hope he comes back, he's cute."  Walking down to this outcropping that lead to the rivers edge, we hang there for a bit, battering each other about climbing down it,when that really cute guy came back...I thought to myself, holy shit he came back.  We got to talking and I had decided I liked him, he seems like a really cool guy, so he asks for my number and for the next couple days we continue to chit chat through text messaging, mind you I hate text and instant messaging, I'd much rather talk to a person face to face. We decided to become FB/FWB or friends with benefits, he comes over sunday night after he gets off work, I've got my house cleaned, I'm clean and clean shaven, and we have sex...it was great, a little sore after a yr of no sex, but I'd love to work that out.  After we have sex we take a shower and just talk, it was really funny and not in the least what I had expected to do.  He tells me that he'd really like to do it again.  After he leaves, I figure he'd never contact me again and that I would have to wait again to get laid, which that thought really sucked.  Well this morning about 3am he calls me, mind you I was sleeping very sound, but when he woke me I was awake and my mind was just chattering away I couldn't go back to sleep so I invited him over, he said he was sorry for not txting me, he was super busy at work, which is fine, we had already discussed the fact that neither of us really have time for a relationship right now.  When we had sex the first time I had A Perfect Circle's first CD, this time when we had sex I had Queen~ A Kind of Magic in the cd player (yes I still own a cd player).  It was awesome and he totally digged my music choices.  After this morning's sex, we had chatted again and he had gone on home cause he had to be up in a few hours anyways. 
Always keeping my guard up no matter what, however I am getting my needs met...Now I'm just curious as to were this endeavor is going to take me, stay tuned I will keep you posted.

double take, an ex-look/sound/smell a-like

So my friend who introduced me to prince charming, had before him introduced me to this guy...who looked, sounded and smelled (wierd I know) like my crazy ass hick ex-bf.  We had met while I was at work, and when I saw him I was paranoid, like did the hick actually get smart, make an alias, keep a job and somehow found a way to get re-introduced himself to me.  I wanted to beat his ass right there, or run either would have sufficed, just for daring to look like him, let alone talk and smell like him.  We went on a second date just to make sure I wasn't just being paranoid, the killer: there personalities were similar too.

So I straight up told the guy 'listen, I'm going to be honest with you, there is no way in hell we're ever gonna date, simply because you remind me of my ex-bf, your height, facial hair, smell, voice, talk etc, everything about you is just like him."
"does he have a shaved head."
"no, but it doesn't matter, I want to rip your face off right here."
"so I'm being punished just because of another assholes actions."
"yea pretty much"
"that sucks"
"but I wanted to honest with you, maybe a bit blunt but at least you know."
"thanks for not beating around the bush, I hate when chicks do that crap"
"I've always been a bit honest for my own good."

then we went our seperate ways, and he still txts me occassionally, usually about to whine about something, but I usually give him advice or something, just not into dating people who remind me of my ex-boyfriend...don't really want to go down that road again ya know, didn't like it the first, second or third time, I highly doubt a fourth time would be very productive...and as I said I knew that would bite me in the ass, but you do what you have to, just be open and honest with a guy and don't beat around the bush, half the time they're not even close to the bush your beating so they aren't going to get a damn word you said.

Prince Charming

So my friend had asked me to hang out with a few friends of his, we meet up at a bar, he has his 2 friends and one of his friends gf (girl friend to those who don't know this lingo), the other guy's single.  He's real cute, thin, smart not the usual type I've had in the past, so I was like 'oh wow he's cute'  I didn't know the places we'd be going to so I dressed up, probably could have dressed down a bit lol.  Anyways we head across the street to drink cheaper beer, play beer pong and chat.  I'm going to call my friend who keeps trying to find me a bf (boyfriend) Hobbit, his friend that he tried to hook me up with...oh lets call him PC for prince charming.  The couple left, and Hobbit went to the bathroom.
PC: So what do you do for fun?
Me: looking down 'I'm boring'
PC: if you say you play video games and watch movies your fine by me
this is where we change seats to sit next to each other and it happened within a split second.  We go into a long discussion about video games and we hit it off amazingly...(however you'd spell that).  Hobbit comes back and just sits back looking happy (think he might have done something in the bathroom...or...he's just happy his friends were hitting it off so damn well..personally I never thought it'd happen cause he was just too damn cute anyways...) Hobbit joins the discussion and we go through several pitchers of beer, having a good 'ol time..well until the club/bar closed down and I drive on home.

PC and I meet up the next day (seriously thinking about investing in that 3 day rule) we head out for coffee (me) and smoothies (him) sit and chat, go grab something to eat and do some more chatting, we chat and laughed the entire time, we head to my place to kick it with some good 'ol video games and end up laying on the floor laughing the rest of the evening, before he leaves we hug and he kisses me, it was great, I was like hot damn I actually got a kiss.  He leaves out the door and I decided to go for another kiss, god knows when I'll get another one.  We chat for the next couple days..barely..and then he just quits talking to me..I was baffled didn't know what I had done wrong, was sure it was either my small, pudgy little belly or the fact I went for that last kiss.  I finally txt Hobbit to find out what the fuck had happened..apparantly I reminded PC of an ex-gf he had...although something tells me theres a bit more to that story and my inquisitive mind would like to find out...knew that shit was gonna bite me in the ass (thats another post).  So with my wondering at ease I go out for more adventures in this complicated dating world...oh and what an adventure It is...

New guy....lets call him Fry

ok you remember this guy, I didn't say much about him in the blog I posted on him, however I really like this guy, he's cool, but we were suppose to hang out Sunday night, last Sunday night (3-6-11) after I got off work, now mind  you I'm usually very exhausted when I get out of work, but I had gone to bed really early the night previous so it was still holding with me.  I was talking with the girls I work with and they gave me a few pointers on how to make this guy really think I'm attractive.  So I txt this guy and ask him if we're still hanging and while waiting for an answer cause I was positive he was going to contact me this time... there's a story here.. I take a shower, fix my hair, makeup, pick out super cute clothes and make myself smell really good, usually I won't dress up or put make up on for no guy, but I really wanted to make a good impression.  Well I wait for about 2 hrs, periodically sending him texts, when I figure ok well I guess we're not going to hang out...again and instead I get on the messenger with a few of my internet guys.  Least to say that night turned out to be very entertaining.  Fry and I were suppose to hang out several other times but either he would have something else to do or just not contact me... I feel as if I was being lead around...again.  So I give him up as a lost cause on Sunday night...so Monday night after the Ultra Nerd gave me the deal breaker, my other friend asks me if I'd like to hang with him and a bud of his...and that will be another post ;-D

Ultra nerd

So I met this guy through a friend, the singer who used to sit behind me, I could already tell he was trying to hook us up (this was before the singer guy informed me that he no longer wanted anything to do with me..girlfriend type of thing..stupid).  So this guy, the ultra nerd we talked for a while deciding we really like each other, mind you I just got out of really tough relationship (sexy body, vacation and several bottles of whisky...and another very difficult period in my life) well I was really not wanting to get close to anyone at this point in time and was taking a year vaca from relationship to figure out what I want in my life.  Well we hang out and its great, we watch movies and play video games together, he's not big on the talking, which is one of my major turn offs.  I inform him I'm not really looking for a relationship right now cause I want to figure out a few things with my life first, which I have been doing marvelously at (makes more sense when I start up that other blog about the shit I've done and been through), so he gives me space, doesn't talk to me even though I try to uphold conversations with him.  I try like a month or 2 later to get him to hang out with me and he says he will then stands me up, jerking me around like a bull with a ring through my nose...first off I don't think so, cause I'm not one to jerked around.  So I say screw it. That was a couple months ago.  We started talking again periodically, him trying to get me to play this stupid computer game, mind you I'm a gamer at heart but when I don't want to play something I'm not going to play it.  So Monday of this week he asks me 'so you wanna play WOW' for those of you who don't know WOW stands for World of Warcraft, it is an online game that's a MMORPG  thats a multimedia online role play game..or something to that effect.  So naturally me being obstinant says 'No i don't want to play that game.' he asks me why and I tell him 'just because I don't want to.'  He says to me, as if this is going to change my mind 'well its a deal breaker for me.'  running through my mind are the various phrases of are you fucking kidding me, your choosing a game over me are you NUTS!!! but I tell him 'It was nice knowing you, have a nice life.'  I'm sorry I'm not sooo desperate for a guy that I'm going to change my mind on something I don't want to play, I don't care how damn cute you are...no ones that cute to me to allow them to manipulate me...fuck you stupid Ultra Nerd.  I'm a nerd but he by far surpasses my awesome nerdliness...  Wow and I don't mean the game.

Valentine's Day

As much as I'm like any other female, frankly this holiday sucks, especially more when you don't have a boyfriend, singlism sucks. 

It all started back in elementary school, they always had the students make valentines for each other, I was not a popular child, never quit fit in with any of the students.  I would make Valentine days cards for everyone else, or go buy a dozen of those cards, put cute little messages and send them to the other students.  With the various Valentines parties the school had we would put cards in everyones little valentine slots that we made then check and see what we got.  I never got any, never as a child did I get any valentines.  Since that time I've always hated Valentines day, seemed to me a pointless holiday.  Now had I been a popular child I would have recieved V-cards and my love for V-day would have been forged, but seems the fates did not see it fit to be in my future, loving Valentines day (maybe next year).  One year on V-Day I was really hoping (The kid who used to sit behind me in high school) would ask me out on a date, but he didn't so instead my parents and I go out to celebrate V-day and I see my singer buddy (kid who used to sit behind me) on a date with this other girl, thus another mark against valentines day.

My belief is this holiday sucks, it shouldn't even be acknowledged on Calenders and it should go away and take Christmas with it.

The new guy...

Well my life just got a bit more interesting tonight.  My friend introduced me to this guy and we've been talking through text messaging, we decided to go ahead and hang tonight.  He's a skinny tooth pick of a guy who is in need of fatting up, that can be arranged, he's a blunt smoker which is cool I don't really care.  Just got out of a relationship, no I wont be a rebounder, and he's cool people.

We watched 2 movies together, bullshitted and had hot cocoa.  He's a tell it how it is type of guy and I'm the same way for the most part.  He's a cool guy so far and i really like him.  Yes this is a short post, but in hindsight it is way past my bedtime and I'm in desperate need of sleep.  Just wanted to keep everyone posted on my latest romantic endeavors. =D  Happy night y'all.

Military Kid, Mind Fucker, Psycho guy and games

You remember that kid way back a few posts who I suspected of cheating on me.  Well guess what I had dated him a second time although this time was influenced by lots and lots of alcohol.  So here's how this story goes:

I had a friend, we had known each other back in middle school our friendship had ended because of our different belief systems.  Me fearing for her immortal soul tries to convert her over to christianity, I had been going to a church that did a lot of brain washing and at a young age I was ready to believe anything, some call this being gullible.  She being so mad at me we quit talking and she left our school, well she came back to my high school and we appologized for being dumb and what ever else, lost contact again, then ran into each other at the mall (I curse that damn day) we had been hanging out ever since.

After military kid and I broke it off, we quit talking, one day I get a message from him and we start to chat again, hanging out, nothing sexual just old friends (I can't believe I considered him a friend... eww gross...
puke-a-thon).

Well this girl, lets nickname her shall we...hmm how about mf (for mind fucker).  Mf and I were hanging out one evening and had decided to get some friends together for a game night and a drinking fest.  We did a lot of drinking together and even though she was the more experienced drinker, I could still drink her under the table.  She had a son and she was an irresponsible parents there was a lot of should haves in our friendship.  We'd find diapers all over her house and she would say 'oh another drinking diaper (meaning she changed her son while she was drunk and just left diapers everywhere man if I start up another blog about shit i've done or been through or whatev she would take the fucking cake)she was a disgusting pig....ew gross.  She would get all up on me, trying to get me to sleep with her, other than the fact she was ugly, she was disgusting and a whore (still gives me shivers).  Anyways, I decided to call over the military kid to come play games, the night went on with Mf and I trying to out drink each other.  I was telling her all about him and about how good his sex was (after the kid she hooked me up with {your going to love that post} his sex was nothing, just a passing breeze).  She tells me about how her and her soon to be husband's relationship was open, but she would get pissed when he cheated on her, although I could hardly blame him she cheated on him all the time, and how he wasn't really good at sex and all that she needed was a good fuck.  I told her, he's off limits.  We ended up starting to date that night, military kid and I.  It lasted for about 3 days, me being so disgusted that he asked me out while I was drunk and the fact we had sex...ewww.  I call him up and tell him I can't date him right now, I just got out of a relationship (which is true, the post: beauty and the prick) and that I needed time.  Mf was with me, we were still friends to this point in time.

Several days later about 3 o'clock in the morning Mf texts me saying she wants me to meet someone.  She gives me this bs story about how he was in the Air force, sweet guy and all that crap.  I go to meet this guy, he was very ugly at first and my insanity sensors went off the chart, like it did when I hung out with Mf.  There was something wrong with this guy and I wanted to know what it was.  So being so infactuated with each other we start dating 12 hrs from that point in time...but before we start to date, I go with Mf to get her tattoo, hahaha she asked me to make sure it was straight, it was but I tell her no and moved it slightly then she, believing me got it tattooed on her body.  For the record I screwed up her tattoo and she doesn't even know haha =D  Anyways on our way to get her tattoo she asked me if I ever had a story I could never tell anyone, I told her yes I do, she informs me "I bet mine's worse."  I could only say ok.  After her tattoo we go back to her apartment, as we're watching a movie she says to me "you remember that secret I couldn't tell anyone, well I'm going to tell you."  She informs me that military kid and her had sex 9 times on her floor, but it was more him taking advantage of her.  She then states I know you probably want to throw that apple your eating at me, I just wanted to let you know, so is my secret worse than yours.  I tell her no (for the record you can wonder but I'm not telling you).  She tells me this after I give my blessing for them to date or to fuck or whatever it is they were going to do.  I strictly told her that he was off limits, because I still had feelings for him, theres a code somewhere that your friends are not to date your ex's... I read it somewhere.  I was so pissed that I waited for her to fall asleep then I left, talking to this psycho guy, we agree to hang out later.  I end my friendship with her and military kid. 

Proceeding these events I get an onslaught of text messages from Mf stating I'm a whore and I just want to fuck all the military personel.  Why was I keeping military kid on the back burner while stirring my other pots, it wasn't fair to him.  This humors me now because when I look back she was only talking about herself, she had a friend that she has kept on the back burner stirring the pot occassionally to keep the guy on his toes.  She had only wanted what was mine and she got him.  And now I thank God in heaven those 2 are out of my life, what a disgusting group.

Military kid and her are broken up, Mf lost her fiance and I pray she lost her child as well, they are bothing living in Mfs friends home with his parents (kid on back burner shes' been stirring pots with), Military kid has a crap ass job and can't afford to live on his own, his parents will not take him back, so he's stuck living with his crazy ass ex girlfriend.  haha.  Neither will measure up to anything because they don't know how to treat people....crazy bastards deserve each other.

Ah tonight

I get home from work, turn on my computer and start cooking dinner, well I recieve this lovely instant message from an ex bf, you might remember him from my post about Vaca, sexy body and several bottles of whisky.  He doesn't say hi, or how are you doing.  No he tells me "Your a bitch and I hope you die and go to hell"....well hello to you to.  I had only one reply..."What?"  Well apparantly he was drunk, upset that after we broke ties I called him an asshole on a public domain (aka my dads facebook).  I did my own version of pissing him off, by not retaliating and I took all the blame upon myself.  I didn't want to feed into his anger by fighting back, instead I tried to defuse the matter and it worked, he started to open up about all the bimbos he was talking to, how they couldn't handle his sex and freaked out when he was talking about it with them.  He said I was the best sex he ever had (insert fist pump here) and that they were fatter than me and with my own thinking probably ugly as fuck.  haha.  He told me he still haves dreams of us, and that he told his coworker that he had a dream of us having sex and that he told him I was raping him...mhm right. lmao  He also informed me he was telling all his new girls that I was a horrible person and that I'm the villian.  Told me he talked to hundreds of girls since we broke up (I really think he was trying to make me jealous, instead inwardly I laughed till I cried..as if), I wanted to say Oh really, how many of them have aids or there's no chance in hell that your meeting or even going to marry.  But instead I said good your moving on, that's a strong and wise thing for you to do, who knows you might be talking to your next wife.  I'm glad your moving on.  He asked me how many guys I've met, hahaha he'd shit a brick if I told him, damn near told him I'm a lesbian but I held back, didn't want to give him reason to continue to think I was a bad person.  Instead again I deflected onto his one girl that he's 'not holding any promises with (ok what the fuck does that mean???  Really?).  I was the best damn girlfriend.  I went down to where he's at to meet him, not him coming to see me first, nope.  The he didn't have a car when I was down there so guess who got to drive his happy ass around, yea I met the fucking winner.  My last message consisted of me saying "Good luck finding your wifey it sounds like your making fantastic lluck, hope shes not a loser" then I blocked him...ahaha I had the last word...although now I expect some nude pics of me to appear on the internet, oh well then everyone can see how hot I am lmao.   Interject sigh here.  I hope he puts a bullet through his brain and lessens this world of one more loser.  Well that's all about tonight, I think I'm going to finish my bloody mary and head to bed.  Good night peeps.

A vacation, sexy body and several bottles of whisky.

That good old internet, I used to live by a philosophy give it a second chance, sometimes a third, so that's what I did.  I gave that internet dating website another try, why, I don't know maybe because I was lonely, needed someone to talk to, or even a rebound agent.  I started to talk to this guy, my god when I say he was sexy I mean he was ripped, tight abs, big arms and sexy legs.  Omg the instant I saw him I wanted to put my hands all over him.  We started to talk, telling me he's more of an eyes man, yes you read that right, an eyes man, he doesn't really go for looks (probably a lie, or else why would he be talking to me) and personality is highly important to me, we talked for several months and he was there with several of my life changing events, eventually I decided to go down to where he was and meet him.  When I first saw him I was so fit with giggles I couldn't even talk, we were meeting at a restaurant and it was the first time I've ever been struck with the giggles.  He was strong, tall and handsome, damn near the vision in my dreams.  He is what any girl would imagine getting into bed with and having the time of their life.  His muscles were so toned, he was a gym rat and believe you me it showed.  Omg!  Well we ended up dating and that night he stayed in my hotel room, would be a night I will never forget, it was amazing...anyway enough of me revisiting a very fun time in my past.  Spending a week with him I sorely went home, I didn't want to go, the weather was beautiful, the sex was great and the attraction...omg!  We had a great long distant relationship, lasted for several months.  Until I had one of my fantastic premonitions...damn it.  I was taking a bath, in complete zen and the thought in my head said "we will not last."  I was heartbroken, I tried to get around it, discussed the thought with him and it made the entire situation worse.  (Insert last half of previous post).  We concluded together to go ahead and take a break and see where it goes.  When I talked to my mother about the situation, so informed me I was a loser, and that I could never possibly find anyone better. 

This guy with tight abs and sexy body, had no direction in life,and to be honest he was a bit of a meat head, an idiot, but god was he sexy (hello shallow me) he didn't know what he wanted and cared more about his friend than he did me.  Which was fine, whatever I could care less since it was a long distant relationship.

I did the worst possibly thing you could do, I attempted to get him back, practically begging him (this will never happen again) all because my mom said I should, that I was a loser that I will never find anyone better, that I got rid of the best thing that could have ever happened to me.  Somehow I had fallen out of love with this guy, he became more of a friend than a lover.  We talked on the phone and I told him I was an idiot and if he could ever forgive me (this type of weakness I will never show again), he told me with glee in his voice that he didn't want to have any contact with me for one week, I believe that he wanted to see how far I would go to get him back about how broken I would be, gave me a date and time that he would contact me, luckily for me I was doing massive working that week.  We hang up and I being stubborn refused to contact him that entire week, turning off my phone, deactivating my facebook, I was going to be stronger than this, I was not going to show him my weakness again.  I picked up drinking, and I did a lot of it.  Every night I wasn't at work I'd be drinking, I wanted to drown my sorrow, my mother kept calling me an idiot, posting on his facebook about how he needs to give me a chance that all I need is love,  she showed me the song he dedicated to me, Beautiful Monster http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2J2dwFVZHsY (in some ways it still hurts, my chest constricts and right now I want to cry) I'm scared of being with someone, that he was the best thing that could have ever happened to me, that he made me so happy and how I was crying all the time and was heart broken, for the record after that night I discussed our break, I hadn't been over to my parents I would have been thrown in the drunk tank if the cops ever caught me on the roads.  I cried so much that I thought I couldn't cry any longer, but somehow I managed to cry more.  I became suicidal, I'm confident I gave myself alcohol poisoning one night and the only reason I stopped drinking that night was because I could no longer move, I damn near finished off fifth of Jack Daniels, I told my friend good bye cause I had every intention of dieing that night, I didn't want to live without him, damn you mother, stupid whore.  The only reason I'm still alive right now is because my friend came over at 3am and forced water down my throat, part of me wishes I would have never said good-bye and instead have just left a letter.  What my mother had done made things that much more worse for me, so much worse (and there's a blog about my mom but I think I'm going to wait until I start up another blog about the shit I've been through).  If I could not find anyone better than this guy then I didn't want anyone.  Towards the closing of our 1 week of no talking I started to heal, reparing my heart, building those walls, I stopped drinking.  I closed that chapter in my book and I was starting new, I wanted to start caring for me.

Work day, the day he would contact me, he sends me a text message and I feel anger consume me as I tell him that I hate him.  He's like that's not the response I expected, I asked him what did you expect me to crawl on my knees to beg for you back.  He told me you practically did, so I did the only thing I could think of, I attack him verbally.  We fight, and its a nasty fight, text message fights always are.  We quit talking and my mother calls me an idiot and anything else she could think of.  I fought myself, I started drinking again, now when I say drinking I don't mean sissy drinks I mean I drank whisky straight, sometimes straight out of the bottle.  I had hit rock bottom of my relationship life, and even now those days seem blurred, as if my mind was trying to block those events.  I started drinking with my neighbor and those events will be the next post.  I have found a strength within myself I never knew I possessed.  Its only when you've lost everything that your able to accomplish anything.

A musician sometime ago I had loved

There was a time several years ago when I was in high school and like most high school girls there was that one boy who won your heart just by looking at you.  He was a musician, ah now you see where my infactuation is going, and I was a writer, whats a better combo than that.  He was in a band with a funny name and had sat behind me in class.  A skinny toothpick of a guy, balding at the young age of 17, and a complete mystery to me; he was that cute slacker kid, who spent too much time doing God knows what into the late hours of the night and he would always ask to share my book with me cause he forgot his.  He enjoyed the crazy things I would write in class and outside of it and I would enjoy his music.  One day he invited me to one of his concerts and being who I am, I couldn't resist myself I went, hell bent on asking him out.  One of the girls we were a mutual friend with was talking about how it was dating him, I was crushed, I told her she was really lucky to have him.  I conceded to myself that evening that no matter what I would rather keep him as a close friend  than to lose him as a lover, I still hold true to that belief system.  He went through girlfriends like a pepsiholic goes thru pepsi, confessing his love to one and several months later they break up and he's heartbroken, and each time he was in a relationship I was single and vice versa.  Over the years we had maintained a friendship sharing music and various writing projects with each other, giving each other pep talks and me buying his cds.

One night both of us highly bored and nothing better to do hung out, drank and played a game.  After the game we sat on the couch debating over whatever topic I can't remember and end up making out.  his lips were so soft and tantalizing, I felt a shiver run up my spine and the only thing that can be described as fire works explode in my mind, when kissing someone I have never had this happen to me, whether it was the alcohol that was running rampant through my system or the fact that I had waited so long for this moment and it was a dream come true, to this day I never knew.

It happened one other night although this time we had played strip game, with the loser removing an article of clothing, it was fun, a bit embarrassing cause I'm not his usual skinny toothpick that he usually dates, I'm the more curvylicious sassy lady.  We were watching a movie that I now more than ever identify with.  We were in the heat of the moment when I being the damnable sensible person who happens to have been dating a gentleman several hundred miles away and haven't seen in many months, stop us from going any further and he looking at me bewildred but also knowing I have a boyfriend tells me I have some amazing self control and that my boyfriend was lucky to have me.  We get dressed start in on another debate, I didn't want him to drive home cause he'd been drinking, but not wanting to resume our night like how it had been previous he leaves, drunk.  I told him as we were talking about this and my apparant 'amazing self control', that I would rather keep him as a good friend than to lose him as a lover.  As I closed the door on him, the ending of the movie we had been watching comes on and I had identified with this section of the movie and until now when I reflect back, that maybe it wasn't me that should have been identifying with it, but him.

Until recently our friendship had remained, until this morning I recieved an email from him.  He said he was cutting all ties with any girl he had a history with whether making out or more and that he requested for me to not take it personal.  I'm trying my hardest not to take it personal because it's something he feels he must do, whether to have a new start with another girlfriend who probably wont last, or to become a better christian, I don't know.  Part of me is heartbroken and kicking myself in the ass for the things we did on those nights and because in the end I lost him regardless.

Battle lost, The War Won

Once upon a time there was a girl named Willow who enjoyed playing match maker, and she had a girl friend who had a dark secret, she was a crazy sociopath.  Willow had a Prince she adored with all her heart and only wanted to see happy and thought Crazy would make him a very happy man, little did she realize this girl would transform into a beast, beautiful outside but as ugly as any nasty creature you could think of.  They did make a perfect couple on the surface, he adored her, and with the hints and tips of Willow who was close to her, he won her heart.  Crazy was cruel and unkind to the prince behind willows back and fooled him into believing it was love and that she was sick, all the while exhibiting her own cruelty upon her friend, driving Willow mad.  Willow didn't know what was going on, made to believe she was overreacting she held her tongue and stiffled her own feelings when she should have told Crazy off.  Eventually a battle ensued between these 2 women, a great battle that would be remembered for generations to come, tearing the lands apart into various kingdoms.  This rift devestated many families, destroyed many crops as the troops would come in burn whatever they could see, slaughter animals and kill the towns folk.  Willow, taking pity on her kingdom backed off and surrendered; taking her causulties and losses she began the slow process of nurturing her kingdom and those left within bringing them back to their full potential so she could rule a healthy kingdom.  Later she hears wind that Crazy had lost everything and returned to her fathers castle where she was made a concubine and the Prince who had adored her banned her from his kingdom, never to return again.  The battle had been lost but the war was Willows.

Whiney and S.C.

There was a time when I had hung out with another guy while dating super center kid.  I don't know if it was the first time we started dating or the 2 or even 3rd time.  But I ended up hanging out with that whiney guy and felt so bad about it that I called super center kid to come join us.  Whiney was so jealous that he'd flex is muscles and try to impress me, laying on his wrestlerness, attempting to steal me away from Super center.  I was so tickled pink that some guy would actually try to steal me away from a bf.  Unfortunately for him however I was too dedicated.  This would be the last time I talked to him, poor kid, he was so super sexy, wonder what it would have been like dating a guy with 2 jobs and no money... I've always been curious as to where his money went to.  I wonder how his wrestling careers doing, I hope he's doing great and kicking major ass and getting all the girls.  I wonder if he still thinks about me, cause I sure think about him.  Ah sappyness at its best again.

Would you like cheese with that whine?

There was a time I was courting this cute guy that used to come into my work and be my customer.  He had one of those really sexy bodies that was slender and ripped, I just wanted to put my hands all over him.  He was cute, found out he was training to be a wrestler, which made him hotter.  This paticular man was before I started dating the guy at the super center.  Me being who I am, decided I was going to ask him on a date.  Our first date was a disaster, we had our times completely wrong he wanted to hang out at 9 in the morning and I was thinking 9 at night, we went to the mall (what is it with the mall) and we walked around.  My first mistake was wearing boots, by the end of our 2 hour chatting while walking my feet were killing me, my second mistake was not rescheduling for another day, sometime in the evening when the movie theatres most certainly would be open and allow me to look sexy and also sit.

This guy droned on about how he was not married, his 1st mistake, and how everyone in his family was having babies except him, 2nd mistake.  I do believe it was pure nervousness that kept him babbling on and on, I could forgive him of that, but really talking about having a family on the first date, honestly not what I wanted to hear.  If he would have talked about a good romp around or even a nice walk in the woods with me wearing tennis shoes, that would have been acceptable.  His voice, my God it was so whiney, I tried to get past the voice and visit the more shallow parts of my being and think of him wrestling and being hot under those tight clothes that he was wearing but all I could think about was how he would probably pop the question any minute.  I ran, didn't reschedule a date but did talk to him on the phone, his voice got to me, grated my nerves and all I could think about was his 2 worst mistakes.  He would have been a great date but I was young and not ready for any form of settling down.  I still think about him from time to time, wondering what he's up to, but figure I'll let a dead dog lie, why poke him and make things ooze unnecessarily.

Beauty and the Prick

In my minds thought, internet failed me once it can't certainly fail me a second time can it? Whats the harm in trying again.   On the internet again another uniform brat finds his way onto my page, again we strike up a convo, we meet at the mall, is this beginning to sound a bit familiar... Well let me back it up a bit.  I see his profile pic, skinny, dorky kid, my type although with a certain certainty I knew that if we were ever to have sex i'd probably break him.  He baits me with an invitation to a dance, a ball of sorts, I'm ecstatic I've never been invited to a dance before.  So over the next couple weeks we talk about it, he's charming, can talk very well and his voice wasn't winey or annoying, jackpot!  What's more he even had a good, well grounded job, an officer in the military hoorah!  Hot!  We decide to double date it, more my idea than anything.  So we meet up at the mall, and then all go to a museum, kinda like a jungle gym for big kids, sounded like great fun to me.  When I see this person get out of his jeep, I'm struck by how is profile pic doesn't look anything like him.  First off his nose is pointed up, like he's constantly looking down at everyone, I can forgive the nose.  He was a bit chunkier than I had expected, kind of scared the hell out of me but forgiveable, could have at least warned a girl.  See kids never trust profile pics it could be some creapy fat guy wanting to steal all your candy.  Thanking God I had decided to double date it with my 2 close friends, we all go to the museum, yay! fun! Or so I think, well this guy was not a playing guy, he was an uptight stiff who was shy, whats more fun than to make a stiff, flimsy and a shy guy open.  We continue to go on dates, me curious about him, and he looking for a wife, haha I'm not wifey material at least not in that point in time. 


We start to date and its cool in the beginning but as we continue to date the stiff becomes crude and an ass.  We would only see each other a couple days out of the month and when I came over he'd ask me when I was going home.  What's more the sex sucked, he got off but I never had that priviledge.  Every time I'd come close to breaking up with him he'd say that one thing that would keep me in the relationship.  He spoke the christian language but was far from it.  He asks me to marry him, now how he asks me was a bit off but I could forgive him, (I don't know if you see all the forgiving I've done in my relationships but I'm seeing it),  he used a ring I bought for 5 bucks taking it off my one finger and placing it on my ring finger asking me if I'd marry him.  We were sitting on his grandmothers couch of all places.  Prior to this he bought himself a treadmill he never used cause he hated exercising with the other military gentlemen, and had spent 3 grand on a stupid fucking computer that didn't even work, blaming me at one point cause he couldn't afford it cause he liked to go out and eat with me.  You offer to pay, sure, I mean its not like I drove 40 mins to visit a convict or anything...asshole.  He said when he got back he'd buy me an engagement ring, somehow I highly doubted this.


The day he left for deployment, I'm driving him to the airport and he turns to me and says "I know I shouldn't say this but I'm going to anyways, I almost asked you to sleep on the couch last night so I could get a decent nights rest."  My jaw nearly dropped off the face of the planet.  I told him "there are some things I just don't need to know."  He told me "I'm making the point that I didn't tell you last night."  The thought than ran through my head was not a nice one I wanted him to get shot, suffer horribly and die a horrible lonely death.  How dare he say that to me.  Not only did he say that but he also informed me that when he gets back home he just wanted me to pick him up and drop him off at home because he wanted to be alone.  I asked him so that means you won't want to spend anytime with me even though you'll have been gone for 6 months.  He said yea, cause I won't have had anytime to myself and I don't want you there till I'm ready to have you.  I was like ok then.  I did not break up with him at this point in time. 


We make it 3 months into his deployment, me horny as hell cause he didn't give good sex and I got nothing while he was there, I considered cheating on him.  I considered many times during our relationship to cheat on him, the key here is I considered it, but I didn't do it...damnit.  Having my alloted time away from him to give myself proper time to think about our relationship, I discuss with my best girl about should I wait till he gets back home and jerk him around a bit more or just do it over the phone.  Seeking various opinions the best way to do this, cause as much as I hated doing the bitch thing and break up with him while he was deployed, I decided I had ended my social circle long enough for this asshole and now its time to become the bitch and do what I hate to do.  So when he informed me that he was ready for me to call him, I called him and told him our relationship was over with.  I told him, lied to him, I said we're on 2 different pages of 2 different books.  What I should have told him was that I was breaking up with him because he was a prick, but if he became reckless where he's at I'd feel bad and I didn't want that on my conscience.  I mailed his stuff to his mother and that was the end of that relationship.  I still ponder to myself if I had done the right thing, but as I reflect on our relationship and how much of an asshole he was, I know it was the right thing to do, horrible timing but it was time nonetheless.  Prick.

Internet dating, an alias and a lie

One of the many fun things I have done was internet dating, I was introduced to a website, we'll leave it out of mention here, because I informed my friend who was also my roommate, classmate and coworker (there is a very entertaining story here but not, well you know what this is kinda what this websites about but that is going to be a later post and believe you me that is a fun story all in its own) who in turn introduced me to this website of mention.  I spent several hours browsing through hot singles, clicking them to meet them, one had accepted and we started to chat, I was intrigued and turned on by his military uniform, how could I help myself, uniforms are sexy as hell.  After a few weeks of chatting we decided to meet at the mall and chat, it was great we had so much in common, he liked military I liked military, we both had parents and we both had our worlds revolving around video games.  It was a match made in heaven.  Not to mention I was in college about to graduate, had a steady job, a vehicle and a head still attached to my shoulders whereas he did not have a steady job, in the reserves, no vehicle and played soccer with his brain regularly.  I mean whats not to love about this guy.  The sex was great, meaning was great.  Later on I found out he had gotten another girl pregnant and was expecting to be a daddy, aww cute a low down lazy bastard, I mean what a cute father figure.  After a while of dating he was in the other room with my friend (my first screw up post1) and I looked at his phone, noticing that I was still not his background I decided it was high time he got to see me even when I wasn't around him.  Went through his photos and there she was, him laying in bed with another woman, them being all lovey dovey, in between my photos.  Me, his girlfriend...really?  I storm up to him and ask him 'Who the fuck is this?'  He starts stammering and saying uh uh yea I just didn't take her photos out of my phone, it was a while ago, then he makes up some bs story about her being before me, but before the girl he got pregnant.  I let it roll for a bit, allowing my  feelings to stew.  I think back to when we hung out after he got done from hanging at his dads house who lives about 4 hrs away and how he had scratches on his back, love scratches.  He baited me with 'oh i was just wrestling with one of the girls i used to know'.  I let it roll.  Him not answering his phone for days on end saying 'I left my phone in my sisters car', whatev.  The girl pic was the last straw, I stewed thinking how I wanted to break up with him.  Finally I called him over telling him to bring all my stuff and that fated saying most guys dread to hear 'we need to talk'.  It was great, my favorite saying to use on a guy, makes their head spin and the thoughts of 'oh shit' run rampant through their minds.  I broke up with him.  He was devestated and sorry, I was elated, cold as ice and happy, victory you sorry bastard.  I dated him one other time and the events that proceeded after that were one hell of an adventure.  Hang on thats coming up.

Body builder, Poe and one tempting night

Shortly after my escapades with my writer guy, I was at a super store with my best friend, we were bored and had nothing better to do, we decided to walk around the gaming section and thats where I saw him, his short stature, fingers on a video game controller , I could feel the self confidence rolling off of him when he started to talk to me.  He asked me on a date, exchanging numbers, I just couldn't resist myself I had to, it was written in the way of nature, I went on the date.  I found out he was training to be a body builder, trying to become a physical trainer, coupled with his short stature I was humored, we eventually started to date.  It was great, we hung out, played poker with his family and watched movies.  Him living in his parents basement it was forbidden for us to go to his room, we had to stay in supervision, he 23 me 19, naturally he asked me to have sex with him in his car.  I couldn't help but remember how I lost my virginity, so I told him absolutely not, we never did have sex, now that I think back to it I believe he was the only one of bfs after I lost my virginity that I did not have sex with, which really cracks me up.  Oh and how he tried, it was funny watching him rithe in my refusal, cracked me up.

One night so fed up with not having sex, I decide to get dressed up in my sexiest outfit that showed more than enough cleavage for my own comfort. Going to his work minutes before he would be clocking out to go.  I send him a text asking him if he'd like to hang out tonight and go do something fun.  He informed me, that he'd rather go out with his friends tonight.  So I leave and as I do so I text him ok have fun tonight.  Looking good and not wanting to waste it, I drive to my favorite book store and look at books, the love of my life being on the clock tonight was all I could have asked for.  Knowing he was watching me, I put on my saddest demeanor and just stare at some books, I mean I was suppose to get laid for the first time in like forever of course I was bummed out, I just amped it up some.  Walking up to me, he asks me what type of books I liked, so I tell  him and thats when I'm introduced to an awesome series, would say which one it is but unfortunately if he comes across this website somehow I don't want him to know I was talking about him.  I've known this gentleman for years and the fire of when I first met him stills burns just as strongly as it did back then, even to this day.  I would have broken up with hick if only he, my Poe had asked me to and to turn around and date him.  He buys me a coffee: a White chocolate latte, I still remember that to this day, damn my hearts all fluttery, and we chat.  it goes no further than this because him being older than I and I being in a relationship, but don't mistake for a minute I didn't contemplate cheating on Body builder.  I drive home, lighter than a cloud and call my other best friend and I tell her about that very wonderful evening.  A few weeks later my relationship with body builder ends and I'm onto my next adventure, this one about the same height although in the military, my first military bf...or is it...I don't rightly remember.  To this day Body builder still doesn't know that I was going to have sex with him, if he knew he'd be so pissed at himself, hell I think that would be hilarious, he still works at that super center, he's gotten chubbier, and is not a physical trainer.  Poor guy haha.

a writer, singer and another writer

During the destruction of the crazy hick relationship I was forging another, a special bond with someone that could actual read and write.  I met him at a coffee shop, during open mic night after I read some of my poetry one nighte, we struck up a converstation, it was love, an attraction I've never felt for another person, not even that crazy guy I had dated.  We kept in contact over the next couple months, talking, writing together, eventually he joined in my escapades at those 24hr diners enjoying coffee with me as we poked each others minds for stories, it was a connection I had been longing to share with another human being  and it was beautiful.  We would get up at open mic nite and sing with one another read our poetry or even short stories, telling each other what could be better about it and what we did right.  One night my friend comes up to me and says 'Paris' just asked me out.  She was so happy, I had to be happy for her but underneath my happiness i was angry, hurt and I felt betrayed, we had such a connection how could he do this to me.  Eventually I got over my feelings and moved on.  Their relationship lasted for a couple months but they ended and Paris came back to me, seeking solace in my arms.  I told him we could only date for 3 months, he said that it could never work between us because he just doesn't feel that way for me anymore in an unsurprised indifference  i told him ok, walked up and got another cup of coffee.  It was not the response he wanted, I could see it within his face, he was expecting me to be crushed, cry and beg for him, I tell you now it wasn't going to happen sure I felt hurt when he told me he wanted to date me then went for one of my friends but I got over it.  But, if you ask me now as to why I told him 3 months I could never tell you.  Later it came out that he was gay, had a bf and never did publish that book like he said he was going to.  All in all I'm glad I was not his last gf. =-)

A crazy side story that, as short as it is, lasted for 3 years

Here's a story that in its own way had a tragic ending.  A man I lost my virginity too because I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with went nuts on me, when we had had sex for the first time he went crazy on me, more than his normal, controlling always wanting sex, I'm a sexaholic but not as much as he was.  Towards the end of our relationship he would get so angry that he would come close to hitting me, I got out before he did, but he did his own form of abuse upon my mind, mental abuse is cruel and in some ways worse than physical, it lasts for years whereas a broken bone or bruise mends over time, the havoc left upon a mind does not heal, at times it will fester and get worse.  How did I not see his crazyness, was I blinded by that hell called love, was I too young to understand, only the perceptiveness of who I am now can really understand.

I guess  my first clue into the fact that Hick was a crazy psycho was when I had gotten into a car with our mutual friend, because we were helping them move, he flipped out hugging me and saying he's sorry we have to be separated, we would have only been away from each other for like 20 mins.

The second clue should have been that he would leave me no time for my friends, consuming every ounce of my time.  It would get so bad that I would at times have no time for sleep, the amount of time I would have to dedicate to sleep on some nights would be anywhere from 2hrs to 30mins.  On a high school student it was very hard on me, my grades started to suffer and so did my friend ships.

Thirdly him pressuring me to have sex with him after he stole my virginity in the passenger seat of his mothers car, a taurus of all damn vehicles, couldn't be something sexy like a damn jeep or hell the bed of his truck, no it was a taurus.  I would not want to have sex and he was say 'of all the things I do for you, picking you up and you cant help me out'  it would go on for many times like this until I broke down and had sex with him.  I got to the point where I hated sex, I hated him but I'd feel so bad that I'd have sex with him disregarding my own personal feelings.

Last but surely not least him telling me he'd kill himself if I broke up with him and further going into descriptions.  I got to the point in this relationship where it was either him or I that was going to die, I started to go through scenarios of how I'd kill myself and then him.  I Finally ended up breaking up with him and when he jumped in front of my car I couldn't help myself but to try and run his ass over. later he started to stalk me outside my high school, home and work.  I quit sleeping at night and spent my time at a local diner, drinking coffee and writing.  Not only had I quit sleeping but I had practically quit eating as well, everytime I saw him I'd flip out and start screaming at him.

Even though its been a good four years since I had ended that relationship I still feel myself becoming angry and hating him, I still have no trust in men, of course after this shit who could blame me.

A hick, a teen and snow

back oh so many years ago it was christmas and snow had graced itself upon the earth.  Maybe I should go back a few months to when I first met this person we are going to name him hick.  I met him through my best friend I would give her a nickname but I highly doubt it's appropriate here.  As to when we actually met, I do believe I blocked the events from my mind.  I had gone to his high school graduation where his sexy slender fit body was meeting its end, there we fell in love with each other, later he came to my 8th grade graduation and he was acquanted with my psychotic mother who hated him automatically.   The only reason why I dated him was because his brother was taken and I couldn't have him, my mother hated him and I felt sorry for him.  It was christmas and to this point in time I had spent lots of time with this individual, talking with my best friend I told her I was in love and that I was tired of waiting for him to ask me out.  She told me 'go ask him out', so going outside her room I say 'hey (hick) why don't you ask me out already.'  He asks me out, the last day of my vacation with my friend were, his brother, my friend, hick and I are outside in the snow wrestling and throw each other around.  This was the beginning of 3 very eventful, blissful years...oh wait just eventful.  Thus the beginning of the many more blogs to come.

once upon a time

When stupidity ran rampant within my veins my girlfriend and I went to the mall, her father dropped us off and we went strolling.  Being with another girl who was just as boy crazy as I, I felt braver and more daring than I usually would, so seeing a cute, sexy guy I walked up to him and told him he was hot then the only natural thing I could think of to do was to walk away.  My girlfriend looked behind us and saw the guy waving us back so we go back, hang out with him for a bit and meet up with his other guy friends, mind you I was about oh 14 and these guys were in their 20s.  The only logical thing we saw fit to do was to get into a car with these guys, now if i remember correctly there were about 4 or 5 to just 2 little girls,  we head back to their house to kick it and watch a movie. My friend hooked up with one, went upstairs and had sex in the guys parents bed.  Naturally I was attracted to the big guy and I learned that he already had a baby momma, did nonstop drinking, smoked, was in a gang and raced cars and teany boppers dream right.  Fortunately for me however I had a bf (boyfriend) on the side who was sexy, charming and the biggest hick I've ever met, so God knows I had to be in love.  The guy finding out I have a bf wanted me to date him and break up with the hick.  Poor hick I just felt too committed to break his heart, so staving off my stupidity I stayed with him.  My friend being sexed out and it being late asked one of the guys if he could take us to the movies so we could get picked up.   Her father, understanding the lie picked us up and dropped us off.  Last I heard the guy never talked to her again after that, and the gangsta's were going to beat his ass....  and they lived happily ever after.  the end.

My first real screw up oh so long ago

As a child I was never shown much in the way of affection from the male race, as I have grown up I have sought after various relationships and most have failed, primarily due to my own naivety.  I was new to my middle school and made some friends, I had one guy friend who I fell madly in love with and eventually coaxed him into dating me.  We dated for a couple weeks, I don't think it was really long, we went on dates and held hands, you know what every child pokes and prods at in a relationship.  We were sitting across from each other on the bus and some of the kids were calling him gay.  Not sure why cause he most certainly was not and in an effort to prove them wrong I leaned into Burner (code name) and attempted to plant him one on the kisser, he pulled away from me and wouldn't talk to me after that.  Hurt and feeling a bit dejected I told him it was over, on the bus and in front of all the kids that were making fun of him.  To this day I realize that it was a stupid thing to do to break up with him, and I regret it, but we have maintained an awesome friendship to this day, so I guess I haven't lost him completely.