That good old internet, I used to live by a philosophy give it a second chance, sometimes a third, so that's what I did. I gave that internet dating website another try, why, I don't know maybe because I was lonely, needed someone to talk to, or even a rebound agent. I started to talk to this guy, my god when I say he was sexy I mean he was ripped, tight abs, big arms and sexy legs. Omg the instant I saw him I wanted to put my hands all over him. We started to talk, telling me he's more of an eyes man, yes you read that right, an eyes man, he doesn't really go for looks (probably a lie, or else why would he be talking to me) and personality is highly important to me, we talked for several months and he was there with several of my life changing events, eventually I decided to go down to where he was and meet him. When I first saw him I was so fit with giggles I couldn't even talk, we were meeting at a restaurant and it was the first time I've ever been struck with the giggles. He was strong, tall and handsome, damn near the vision in my dreams. He is what any girl would imagine getting into bed with and having the time of their life. His muscles were so toned, he was a gym rat and believe you me it showed. Omg! Well we ended up dating and that night he stayed in my hotel room, would be a night I will never forget, it was amazing...anyway enough of me revisiting a very fun time in my past. Spending a week with him I sorely went home, I didn't want to go, the weather was beautiful, the sex was great and the attraction...omg! We had a great long distant relationship, lasted for several months. Until I had one of my fantastic premonitions...damn it. I was taking a bath, in complete zen and the thought in my head said "we will not last." I was heartbroken, I tried to get around it, discussed the thought with him and it made the entire situation worse. (Insert last half of previous post). We concluded together to go ahead and take a break and see where it goes. When I talked to my mother about the situation, so informed me I was a loser, and that I could never possibly find anyone better.
This guy with tight abs and sexy body, had no direction in life,and to be honest he was a bit of a meat head, an idiot, but god was he sexy (hello shallow me) he didn't know what he wanted and cared more about his friend than he did me. Which was fine, whatever I could care less since it was a long distant relationship.
I did the worst possibly thing you could do, I attempted to get him back, practically begging him (this will never happen again) all because my mom said I should, that I was a loser that I will never find anyone better, that I got rid of the best thing that could have ever happened to me. Somehow I had fallen out of love with this guy, he became more of a friend than a lover. We talked on the phone and I told him I was an idiot and if he could ever forgive me (this type of weakness I will never show again), he told me with glee in his voice that he didn't want to have any contact with me for one week, I believe that he wanted to see how far I would go to get him back about how broken I would be, gave me a date and time that he would contact me, luckily for me I was doing massive working that week. We hang up and I being stubborn refused to contact him that entire week, turning off my phone, deactivating my facebook, I was going to be stronger than this, I was not going to show him my weakness again. I picked up drinking, and I did a lot of it. Every night I wasn't at work I'd be drinking, I wanted to drown my sorrow, my mother kept calling me an idiot, posting on his facebook about how he needs to give me a chance that all I need is love, she showed me the song he dedicated to me, Beautiful Monster http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2J2dwFVZHsY (in some ways it still hurts, my chest constricts and right now I want to cry) I'm scared of being with someone, that he was the best thing that could have ever happened to me, that he made me so happy and how I was crying all the time and was heart broken, for the record after that night I discussed our break, I hadn't been over to my parents I would have been thrown in the drunk tank if the cops ever caught me on the roads. I cried so much that I thought I couldn't cry any longer, but somehow I managed to cry more. I became suicidal, I'm confident I gave myself alcohol poisoning one night and the only reason I stopped drinking that night was because I could no longer move, I damn near finished off fifth of Jack Daniels, I told my friend good bye cause I had every intention of dieing that night, I didn't want to live without him, damn you mother, stupid whore. The only reason I'm still alive right now is because my friend came over at 3am and forced water down my throat, part of me wishes I would have never said good-bye and instead have just left a letter. What my mother had done made things that much more worse for me, so much worse (and there's a blog about my mom but I think I'm going to wait until I start up another blog about the shit I've been through). If I could not find anyone better than this guy then I didn't want anyone. Towards the closing of our 1 week of no talking I started to heal, reparing my heart, building those walls, I stopped drinking. I closed that chapter in my book and I was starting new, I wanted to start caring for me.
Work day, the day he would contact me, he sends me a text message and I feel anger consume me as I tell him that I hate him. He's like that's not the response I expected, I asked him what did you expect me to crawl on my knees to beg for you back. He told me you practically did, so I did the only thing I could think of, I attack him verbally. We fight, and its a nasty fight, text message fights always are. We quit talking and my mother calls me an idiot and anything else she could think of. I fought myself, I started drinking again, now when I say drinking I don't mean sissy drinks I mean I drank whisky straight, sometimes straight out of the bottle. I had hit rock bottom of my relationship life, and even now those days seem blurred, as if my mind was trying to block those events. I started drinking with my neighbor and those events will be the next post. I have found a strength within myself I never knew I possessed. Its only when you've lost everything that your able to accomplish anything.
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